A great time to be confused

Today was rough.  It’s Andrew’s birthday.  When we broke up in August, we agreed to talk in a month to touch base and catch up on life.  A month later happened to be the day of his birthday, which was today.  I called him and things generally went well.  He told me all about his night out last night (it was his 21st).  It was really hard for me to hear him talk about it.  He talked about how he went out with a bunch of friends from school (many of whom are mutual friends of ours), and went to a bar somewhere.  He said he got so wasted that he couldn’t remember half the night, and only knew what happened via videos that some people took.  He said that on the way home two of his buddies had to carry him back.  I don’t know why this bothered me so much.  Partly the reason is that I’m jealous that I don’t get to hang out with him and have fun with him anymore.  Another reason is that seeing my friends with him, and having fun, the way that all of us used to, is really hard.  Lastly I guess is that I don’t really like to see anyone drink in such excess, it bothers me for some reason.  And when someone close to me does… I just get a yucky feeling inside.  It also makes me feel weird to imagine his other friends taking care of him, when I used to be the one to take care of him (not necessarily when he drinks, but as his girlfriend I would take care of him in general).

I tried my best to not show any of this dismay or upset-ness to him, I tried to hide it and just seem happy that he had a good time.  When it comes down to it, I am really happy that he’s happy.  It’s just very difficult to see him enjoying himself without me.  I know that this is part of a breakup.  But it sucks seeing the reality of everything.  Before I said that I was in shock about not being together anymore, and that it didn’t seem real yet.  With every day that passes, it’s seeming more and more real.  It’s scary to me.  I didn’t ever want to breakup… I just needed some space.  It’s so weird, for two and a half years things were 100% ok, and then in a span of two weeks it all fell apart.

I keep asking myself over and over if I made a mistake.  Did I really need to see what it was like being single?  Was wanting a breakup actually just some angsty 20-somethings FOMO that I should have ignored?  Did I freak out because of all the weddings and babies girls are having, and make a rash decision?  Did I get caught up in the Coby situation, and make a rash decision?  I have no freaking idea.  I’ve expressed these feelings to my mom, who simply told me that I’m in my 20s, and this is a great time to be confused.  That it’s ok that I don’t know what I’m doing.  Is it though?  The decisions that I make now will effect me for the rest of my life!  I’m building my future here, with no blueprints!  What if Andrew is the love of my life, and I’m throwing him out because I can’t figure out how to make up my mind?  And then of course there’s always “more fish in the sea”.  I’m petrified that I’m playing for catch and release with Andrew, and by the time that I’m ready to play for keeps, he’ll be off in someone else’s pond, and I’ll be stuck with whatever skimpy goldfish comes along next.  Life is hard.