Working out
Chick-fil-a sauce
Loud music
Doggies
Being outside
A clean house
Hot showers
America’s Funniest Home Videos
Warm mug of coffee
Cold glass of iced tea
Playing tennis
Snuggling with friends
Anything Autumn (apple cider, hay rides, pumpkins, crunching leaves)
Warm chocolate cookies
Today was rough. It’s Andrew’s birthday. When we broke up in August, we agreed to talk in a month to touch base and catch up on life. A month later happened to be the day of his birthday, which was today. I called him and things generally went well. He told me all about his night out last night (it was his 21st). It was really hard for me to hear him talk about it. He talked about how he went out with a bunch of friends from school (many of whom are mutual friends of ours), and went to a bar somewhere. He said he got so wasted that he couldn’t remember half the night, and only knew what happened via videos that some people took. He said that on the way home two of his buddies had to carry him back. I don’t know why this bothered me so much. Partly the reason is that I’m jealous that I don’t get to hang out with him and have fun with him anymore. Another reason is that seeing my friends with him, and having fun, the way that all of us used to, is really hard. Lastly I guess is that I don’t really like to see anyone drink in such excess, it bothers me for some reason. And when someone close to me does… I just get a yucky feeling inside. It also makes me feel weird to imagine his other friends taking care of him, when I used to be the one to take care of him (not necessarily when he drinks, but as his girlfriend I would take care of him in general).
I tried my best to not show any of this dismay or upset-ness to him, I tried to hide it and just seem happy that he had a good time. When it comes down to it, I am really happy that he’s happy. It’s just very difficult to see him enjoying himself without me. I know that this is part of a breakup. But it sucks seeing the reality of everything. Before I said that I was in shock about not being together anymore, and that it didn’t seem real yet. With every day that passes, it’s seeming more and more real. It’s scary to me. I didn’t ever want to breakup… I just needed some space. It’s so weird, for two and a half years things were 100% ok, and then in a span of two weeks it all fell apart.
I keep asking myself over and over if I made a mistake. Did I really need to see what it was like being single? Was wanting a breakup actually just some angsty 20-somethings FOMO that I should have ignored? Did I freak out because of all the weddings and babies girls are having, and make a rash decision? Did I get caught up in the Coby situation, and make a rash decision? I have no freaking idea. I’ve expressed these feelings to my mom, who simply told me that I’m in my 20s, and this is a great time to be confused. That it’s ok that I don’t know what I’m doing. Is it though? The decisions that I make now will effect me for the rest of my life! I’m building my future here, with no blueprints! What if Andrew is the love of my life, and I’m throwing him out because I can’t figure out how to make up my mind? And then of course there’s always “more fish in the sea”. I’m petrified that I’m playing for catch and release with Andrew, and by the time that I’m ready to play for keeps, he’ll be off in someone else’s pond, and I’ll be stuck with whatever skimpy goldfish comes along next. Life is hard.
Now that I’m living up my single life, I finally have the chance to do all the things I couldn’t before. Which is… not a whole lot I guess. The major difference is how much more time I have for myself (or for my friends) on weekends, and that instead of calling Andrew to say a quick “hi” on the way back to my home, I call my Mom. My Mom loves me being single.
I’ve gone out twice now with Faith and Marie. We take a cab or an Uber down into the city to a bar. Marie isn’t actually 21, so we have to “pass back” Faith’s ID (the two look relatively alike). I always get so nervous doing this – if we’re caught I could go to jail for serving alcohol to a minor! It also makes me feel like a bad-ass. Which is cool I guess.
One of the things on my single to-do list has always been to make out with a “rando”. You know, like a random guy at a bar who you may or may not know his name, but certainly don’t know anything about him. People usually blame the make-out session on drunkenness, but we all know that’s not true. Sure, alcohol may help you get up the courage to make those moves to kissing strangers, but deep down everyone (drunk or not) enjoys a good make-out here and there. Well, two weekends in a row, I got my wish. The first guy was named Adam. He was a friend of a friend of a friend of Marie, who we happened to run into at the bar. I met him after dancing up on a number of other guys (with none of whom any kissing took place). I was feeling confident when this guy started talking to me. We had a nice brief conversation (it was very loud and difficult to hear each other), then started dancing. Finally, Faith wanted to go home. I was pretty tipsy at this point (much more than I ever really remember being before in my life) – but certainly not drunk. I was about to leave dear Adam for Faith, when I got a wonderful idea. KISS HIM. Why not? What did I have to loose? So I did it! And he (of course) was totally into it. We made-out for 30 seconds or so, then I said good buy and ran off to find Faith and Marie to catch the cab home. This was a good experience, because it was my first rando ever kissing! He wasn’t a particularly good kisser… but he was respectful, polite, and the kiss only lasted a small amount of time. I was also very proud of myself.
The second weekend wasn’t so exciting. I wasn’t as tipsy that time, and we had been dancing in the bar for a few hours so I was getting tired. A cute guy came up and started dancing with me. He had a very strong french accent, and explained that he played tennis for UMBC. Awesome! We danced for a while, both of us facing the same way. Then he turned me around so that we were facing each other and dancing. I could tell that he wanted to kiss me, he was kind of awkwardly staring at my face for a while… I pretended not to notice. That’s when the “screw it” bulb flashed above my head, and I turned to give into it. Boy was I surprised. Apparently not all french guys are stellar wonderful amazing orgasmic kissers. This guy goes straight for my face, full speed ahead, tongue first! He continued kissing, 90% tongue, 10% I don’t even know what else. I don’t know why I put up with it for so long… but we continued in this way for a good 10 minutes. I was trying to mix in some lips, pull his hair a little to change things, but damn was this guy stubborn. The cigarettes on his breath didn’t improve things either. Finally I told him I had to go off and find my friends, and after convincing him that I did not want to take a cab home with him, I left. Unfortunately I gave him my correct phone number (I don’t know why I did that), so he called me twice and texted me 4 times that night wanting to meet up when I got back to the school. I think he wanted the sexy time.
This is how I feel about these two guys
So what’s the moral of this story? Well one good thing to come out of all this is that I do have more self confidence. I know that any night I want to lock-lips with a rando, it’s much easier than I once thought. It’s also much less romantic than I once thought. You may find an awesome kisser here and there, but to be totally honest most of them (especially when they’re drunk) are slimy and smell like an ashtray. Do I regret my actions? Yes and no. If you asked if I would do it again, I’d probably say no. But if you asked if I’m glad I did it, I’d probably say yes. I firmly believe that you need to live it to learn it. It’s not enough to hear someone else’s experiences, you really have to go out there and do it for yourself. When I was with Andrew I had lots of FOMO (“fear of missing out”) about not being able to go out and party and make out with randos. I put it on this pedestal, like there were so many epic amazing nights I was giving up to be with him. I definitely need this time alone to be free and explore this, and live these nights. But if it turns out that they’re not so epic and amazing, I won’t regret going out, I’ll just know better for next time. I’ll be able to make a firm decision, that I’d rather commit to Andrew (or someone else even) than live life single and “free”.
So I’ve moved into my new apartment! I love it here. It’s technically on-campus housing, but it’s so nice. We even have our own laundry room! I’m here with Faith and Marie, Faith is a good friend of mine from high school, Marie is her old roommate. There’s also a 4th random person. I’ve got all my stuff moved in, and I’m pretty much settled in. Every day this place feels more and more like home. I decorated a bit, we bought some dishes from Goodwill, and my mom even gave me a pretty table cloth for the dining room. I love it here. I love living on my own too. The independence is so great – I feel like I’m running my own household but without children or a boring smelly husband! Life is great.
Cody still owes me $20 from the crab feast. I’ve texted him several times. No response. I know he lives all the way in NC, but he could easily mail me the money. If he was a friend I’d just let it go, but since he’s an immature asshole I’ve decided to go crazy bitch and demand the money. If he doesn’t pay up soon, I will change from crazy bitch to mafia boss and cap his knees clean off.
cadythinks 