A phonecall to Bobby

I’ve told you a little of my reservations about us… but so far I’ve been saying one thing but doing another, and that’s not good for either of us. I’ve been having feelings and trying to ignore them, because I like you so so much. But it’s beem growing on me and it’s not getting any better. Talking to my mom the other night kinda opened my eyes to it. I also talked to Kristen (my bff from home) and told her everything. She helped talk me through all this cause she knows me almost as well as my mom does.

I really like you – but the best thing for me right now is to just be friends. We should get to know each other and pursue a friendship first, then later down the road we can figure out if there’s more than just a friendship. I don’t want to lead you down a rollercoaster, dragging you along with whatever I happen to be feeling at the time. We’re a thing, we’re not a thing, we’re dating, we won’t be dating for a while… I’m confusing myself I can’t imagine how you must be feeling.

I do like you. A lot. But if we wait and get together down the road, we can enter a much stronger relationship, and we can know for sure what this is and what we want. I’ll be sure of my feelings, and know what I want. If our friendship can make it through this, (potentially one semester of school and a summer and semester away – more than a year of pure friendship), we know that we have something real. And we’ve been close friends before, I know we can go back to that, at least for a while. Focusing and growing our friendship is all I’m truly able to give you right now. Cause it’s eating me up inside knowing that I love you but that I can’t give you my all.

But all this being said, I’m really going to need your help. There will be times that I’m not going to want to do this. I may be willing to make compromises, want to go back on everything I’m saying right now, want to kiss you and date you and elope with you (lol) – but you have to put your foot down and say no. Because this is what I want for sure, I know this is what I need. If there’s going to be any chance of us having any future together, I am absolutely going to need this space to be single, grow as an individual, learn who I am and learn to love myself. I need to know who I am and love myself before I can love anyone else. If we jump into things now, things might be good for a while, but I guarantee things will end the exact same way they did with my ex (in confusion and misery and frustration). I feel something different with you. When I’m around you, when I kiss you, hold your hand, I feel things I’ve never felt with anyone before ever. But finding the right person is just as important as finding them at the right time. For me, right now is not the right time. So if you’re willing to wait, this is what I need. And I think it’ll be worth it if we do.

So what does this all mean? Hanging out is fine… but absolutely completely platonic till next semester. Then reevaluate and see where we’re at, after winter break. But the way I’m feeling right now I don’t know if I’m going to be ready by then, or how much longer I’m going to need. I do wish to pursue a friendship with you, I love being around you whether it’s platonic or not, and I love just spending time with you. But I can’t date you (or anyone) right now, and I’m so sorry it took this long for me to figure this all out.

Bobby

So there’s another guy.  I know, I know, I promised myself I’d stay single for a semester following this whole Andrew debacle.  But I just can’t seem to keep myself away!  I’ll start from the beginning.

Last semester when I first joined the tennis team, Sue asked me on the first day,

“So, who’s the cutest one on the team??”.  I looked around the courts, excited to be exchanging girl talk with a new friend.  I looked across the courts, and spotted a guy completely dominating the other player.  He was a middle-eastern or Indian guy, long hair pulled back in a pony tail, sporting bright orange sneakers and a Nadal-style headband.  He had a deep voice, joking with his buddies about his racket or something.  I pointed at him.  Of course I was still with Andrew at this point, but this was harmless girl talk.

“Oooo, you like Bobby?? He’s single, I could totally hook you guys up” She offered.

“Nah”, I explained “I have a boyfriend”.  Later during practice I told Sue that I needed to buy some racket grip.  She called Bobby over,

“Hey Bobby – Cady needs to go to the pro-shop, don’t you need to go tomorrow?”

He did.  We made plans to meet up the next day.  This is how it all started.  From there Bobby and I became great friends.

We played tennis a lot together; we were perfect doubles partners.  We didn’t talk much over the summer, but the following fall we went right back to being friends.  Whenever we were on the court together, everyone commented on the incredible chemistry we had.  Before I was even positive I liked him (in more than a friendly way), I had multiple people approach me asking if we were dating.  They bothered Bobby about it too.  Sue said over and over how great we would be as a couple.  Everyone saw us together before we even did.

Over time our relationship grew.  The initial attraction I felt toward him never faded – in fact it grew stronger and stronger with each passing day.  Bobby is incredibly smart.  He’s the president of the tennis team, a chemical engineering major, and taking premed requirements at the same time “to keep options open”.  He has such an incredible view on life… he’s creative, always waiting to pounce on the next opportunity to make something happen, open minded, easy going, curious about the world and how things work, adventurous, and well traveled.  He’s so interesting, and exciting!  I’ll call him on the phone to ask a quick question, and we end up talking for three hours.

He’s incredibly thoughtful too.  He loves his little sister more than anyone I’ve ever seen.  His mom told me when she was first born, Bobby (who was 3 at the time), would hold her for hours and hours, staring at her with the biggest smile on his face.  They grew up very close to each other.  Bobby and his sister both started playing tennis and taking private lessons around the same time.  At one point they were equally talented.  Eventually however his parents ran out of money, and could only afford to continue sending one of the kids through private training camps.  Their coach at the time saw more potential in Bobby’s sister than he did in Bobby, so his parents pulled Bobby out of competitive sports when he was about 10 years old.  He continued to play recreationally, but quickly lost the level he was at previously.  Currently his sister is the top of the tennis team ladder at her college.  From the time Bobby stopped getting lessons, he had to sit back and watch his little sister take all the glory and attention.  This would make any normal person angry, jealous, and bitter.  But instead of resenting his sister, Bobby turned into her biggest fan.  He attends every single one of there tournaments, helps coach her, sends her care packages to college, drives 6 hours to watch her college tennis matches, and talks to her every single day.

He also remembers everything I tell him, even the smallest silliest things (like how I hate driving though drive-throughs because of the time I got the car stuck at McDonalds).  He appreciates everything about me, right down to the things I don’t even notice about myself.  He makes me feel confident, and he has honestly helped me to love myself and all sorts of things about me.

I know it’s not good to compare relationships, but I can’t help myself and I’m sorry.  Andrew was never phased by anything.  Even the most exciting things in the world and in both his and my own life, he never expressed amazement toward anything.  He would be happy mabey, but never in awe.  I know he loved me, but I was alway kinda doubtful about why, or how much.  Bobby is truly in awe of me, completely.  He loves me, and expresses it in such an effective way.  He points out specific things, tells me every day, and gets excited about things simply because I’m excited about them.  I’m not trying to say anything bad about Andrew, or that I wouldn’t consider getting back together with him.  I’m merely trying to explain a tiny part of why I’m so purely happy when I’m around Bobby.  He makes me feel like I’m worth something, that I’m treasured, that I’m a rare gem in a mountain of pebbles.  And he does all this while staying true to himself.  He doesn’t say that he can’t live without me, or that if we ever grew apart he’d be miserable and die.  I wouldn’t want it to be like that.  He does say though that he’s the luckiest guy in the world when he’s with me, and that he’s going to do everything possible to hold onto me because I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him.

Mabey it’s unfair for me to compare Andrew and Bobby.  With Andrew I remember the full two year relationship, but the part that’s most fresh in my memory was last 6 months or so when the spark was fading.  With Bobby, all I have to compare is this month that we’ve been (kind of) together.  It’s still in the “honeymoon phase”.  Will this relationship with Bobby grow stale just as the one with Andrew did?  Will I realize that Andrew was my perfect match all along, and is spending time with Bobby going to impact my chances as getting back together with him?  Or is Bobby my true match, and I’m hesitant because of how quickly things ended with Andrew and started with him?  Or mabey neither of them are right for me, and I’m wasting my emotions, effort, energy, and time for personal growth?  More of these thoughts in my next post…  stay tuned.

40 Weird Things That Happen When Your Boyfriend Is Your Best Friend

This is my goal in life. Not power, or money, or success, just love.

SERENDIPITY AND CREATIVITY

1. He sees you in true form. There’s right before bed, zit cream and all. There’s drunk you with eye liner smeared on your face and nacho cheese in your hair. There are a lot of you’s he has endured. It’s actually laughable how bad you have looked around him and how little you care.

2. You’ve become so comfortable with each other that embarrassment is no longer a factor.

3. You have each other’s outfit ensembles nearly memorized. “I’m wearing the maroon shirt” “With the tan shorts and brown watch?” “Yup.”

4. You have had moments where you both felt like you couldn’t stand anyone else but each other for the moment.

5. Your families are way too comfortable around you both at this point and absolutely nothing gets held back.

6. You become obsessed with certain restaurants and foods for different periods of time.

7. You two have…

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Because I’m Happy (To the tune of the Pharrell Williams song)

My grades are dropping, I’m not doing so hot in tennis, I’m single and missing Andrew, it’s a rainy dreary day, and yet I’m happy.  Am I a crazy person?

I’ve lost most of my motivation for school – I’m not immune to the plights of college life!  Friends, parties, work, it’s all so much more enjoyable than school.  I can feel my grades dropping… and yet I don’t really care.  I’m having fun, I’m getting at least Bs so it’s not like my future is at risk, and I’m not stressing myself out to the point of breaking.  Mabey it’s time to let myself let go of perfection, and just live life.  There are so many more important things in life than getting perfect grades, being on time everywhere I go, and having money, power, and success.  I’m really good at doing school, but school isn’t what brings me joy.  Joy comes through friends, tennis, boys, food, puppies, and family.  Is focusing on what makes me happy such a sin?

Things that always make me feel better

Working out

Chick-fil-a sauce

Loud music

Doggies

Being outside

A clean house

Hot showers

America’s Funniest Home Videos

Warm mug of coffee

Cold glass of iced tea

Playing tennis

Snuggling with friends

Anything Autumn (apple cider, hay rides, pumpkins, crunching leaves)

Warm chocolate cookies

A great time to be confused

Today was rough.  It’s Andrew’s birthday.  When we broke up in August, we agreed to talk in a month to touch base and catch up on life.  A month later happened to be the day of his birthday, which was today.  I called him and things generally went well.  He told me all about his night out last night (it was his 21st).  It was really hard for me to hear him talk about it.  He talked about how he went out with a bunch of friends from school (many of whom are mutual friends of ours), and went to a bar somewhere.  He said he got so wasted that he couldn’t remember half the night, and only knew what happened via videos that some people took.  He said that on the way home two of his buddies had to carry him back.  I don’t know why this bothered me so much.  Partly the reason is that I’m jealous that I don’t get to hang out with him and have fun with him anymore.  Another reason is that seeing my friends with him, and having fun, the way that all of us used to, is really hard.  Lastly I guess is that I don’t really like to see anyone drink in such excess, it bothers me for some reason.  And when someone close to me does… I just get a yucky feeling inside.  It also makes me feel weird to imagine his other friends taking care of him, when I used to be the one to take care of him (not necessarily when he drinks, but as his girlfriend I would take care of him in general).

I tried my best to not show any of this dismay or upset-ness to him, I tried to hide it and just seem happy that he had a good time.  When it comes down to it, I am really happy that he’s happy.  It’s just very difficult to see him enjoying himself without me.  I know that this is part of a breakup.  But it sucks seeing the reality of everything.  Before I said that I was in shock about not being together anymore, and that it didn’t seem real yet.  With every day that passes, it’s seeming more and more real.  It’s scary to me.  I didn’t ever want to breakup… I just needed some space.  It’s so weird, for two and a half years things were 100% ok, and then in a span of two weeks it all fell apart.

I keep asking myself over and over if I made a mistake.  Did I really need to see what it was like being single?  Was wanting a breakup actually just some angsty 20-somethings FOMO that I should have ignored?  Did I freak out because of all the weddings and babies girls are having, and make a rash decision?  Did I get caught up in the Coby situation, and make a rash decision?  I have no freaking idea.  I’ve expressed these feelings to my mom, who simply told me that I’m in my 20s, and this is a great time to be confused.  That it’s ok that I don’t know what I’m doing.  Is it though?  The decisions that I make now will effect me for the rest of my life!  I’m building my future here, with no blueprints!  What if Andrew is the love of my life, and I’m throwing him out because I can’t figure out how to make up my mind?  And then of course there’s always “more fish in the sea”.  I’m petrified that I’m playing for catch and release with Andrew, and by the time that I’m ready to play for keeps, he’ll be off in someone else’s pond, and I’ll be stuck with whatever skimpy goldfish comes along next.  Life is hard.

Randos are not good kissers

Now that I’m living up my single life, I finally have the chance to do all the things I couldn’t before.  Which is… not a whole lot I guess.  The major difference is how much more time I have for myself (or for my friends) on weekends, and that instead of calling Andrew to say a quick “hi” on the way back to my home, I call my Mom.  My Mom loves me being single.

I’ve gone out twice now with Faith and Marie.  We take a cab or an Uber down into the city to a bar.  Marie isn’t actually 21, so we have to “pass back” Faith’s ID (the two look relatively alike).  I always get so nervous doing this – if we’re caught I could go to jail for serving alcohol to a minor!  It also makes me feel like a bad-ass.  Which is cool I guess.

One of the things on my single to-do list has always been to make out with a “rando”.  You know, like a random guy at a bar who you may or may not know his name, but certainly don’t know anything about him.  People usually blame the make-out session on drunkenness, but we all know that’s not true.  Sure, alcohol may help you get up the courage to make those moves to kissing strangers, but deep down everyone (drunk or not) enjoys a good make-out here and there.  Well, two weekends in a row, I got my wish.  The first guy was named Adam.  He was a friend of a friend of a friend of Marie, who we happened to run into at the bar.  I met him after dancing up on a number of other guys (with none of whom any kissing took place).  I was feeling confident when this guy started talking to me.  We had a nice brief conversation (it was very loud and difficult to hear each other), then started dancing.  Finally, Faith wanted to go home.  I was pretty tipsy at this point (much more than I ever really remember being before in my life) – but certainly not drunk.  I was about to leave dear Adam for Faith, when I got a wonderful idea.  KISS HIM.  Why not?  What did I have to loose?  So I did it!  And he (of course) was totally into it.  We made-out for 30 seconds or so, then I said good buy and ran off to find Faith and Marie to catch the cab home.  This was a good experience, because it was my first rando ever kissing!  He wasn’t a particularly good kisser… but he was respectful, polite, and the kiss only lasted a small amount of time.  I was also very proud of myself.

The second weekend wasn’t so exciting.  I wasn’t as tipsy that time, and we had been dancing in the bar for a few hours so I was getting tired.  A cute guy came up and started dancing with me.  He had a very strong french accent, and explained that he played tennis for UMBC.  Awesome!  We danced for a while, both of us facing the same way.  Then he turned me around so that we were facing each other and dancing.  I could tell that he wanted to kiss me, he was kind of awkwardly staring at my face for a while… I pretended not to notice.  That’s when the “screw it” bulb flashed above my head, and I turned to give into it.  Boy was I surprised.  Apparently not all french guys are stellar wonderful amazing orgasmic kissers.  This guy goes straight for my face, full speed ahead, tongue first!  He continued kissing, 90% tongue, 10% I don’t even know what else.  I don’t know why I put up with it for so long… but we continued in this way for a good 10 minutes.  I was trying to mix in some lips, pull his hair a little to change things, but damn was this guy stubborn.  The cigarettes on his breath didn’t improve things either.  Finally I told him I had to go off and find my friends, and after convincing him that I did not want to take a cab home with him, I left.  Unfortunately I gave him my correct phone number (I don’t know why I did that), so he called me twice and texted me 4 times that night wanting to meet up when I got back to the school.  I think he wanted the sexy time.

This is how I feel about these two guys

So what’s the moral of this story?  Well one good thing to come out of all this is that I do have more self confidence.  I know that any night I want to lock-lips with a rando, it’s much easier than I once thought.  It’s also much less romantic than I once thought.  You may find an awesome kisser here and there, but to be totally honest most of them (especially when they’re drunk) are slimy and smell like an ashtray.  Do I regret my actions?  Yes and no.  If you asked if I would do it again, I’d probably say no.  But if you asked if I’m glad I did it, I’d probably say yes.  I firmly believe that you need to live it to learn it.  It’s not enough to hear someone else’s experiences, you really have to go out there and do it for yourself.  When I was with Andrew I had lots of FOMO (“fear of missing out”) about not being able to go out and party and make out with randos.  I put it on this pedestal, like there were so many epic amazing nights I was giving up to be with him.  I definitely need this time alone to be free and explore this, and live these nights.  But if it turns out that they’re not so epic and amazing, I won’t regret going out, I’ll just know better for next time.  I’ll be able to make a firm decision, that I’d rather commit to Andrew (or someone else even) than live life single and “free”.

New apartment

So I’ve moved into my new apartment!  I love it here.  It’s technically on-campus housing, but it’s so nice.  We even have our own laundry room!  I’m here with Faith and Marie, Faith is a good friend of mine from high school, Marie is her old roommate.  There’s also a 4th random person.  I’ve got all my stuff moved in, and I’m pretty much settled in.  Every day this place feels more and more like home.  I decorated a bit, we bought some dishes from Goodwill, and my mom even gave me a pretty table cloth for the dining room.  I love it here.  I love living on my own too.  The independence is so great – I feel like I’m running my own household but without children or a boring smelly husband!  Life is great.

I will cap his knees

Cody still owes me $20 from the crab feast.  I’ve texted him several times.  No response.  I know he lives all the way in NC, but he could easily mail me the money.  If he was a friend I’d just let it go, but since he’s an immature asshole I’ve decided to go crazy bitch and demand the money.  If he doesn’t pay up soon, I will change from crazy bitch to mafia boss and cap his knees clean off.