I don’t need no man

I’m feeling much better about my life.  Two big things happened and now I’m in a pretty good mood!

1)  I had a really good time with my friend Autumn.  Two days ago, her and Coby and I went to a park.  He practiced lacrosse while I taught her how to play tennis.  Later he came over and we played tennis against each other, but instead of a racket he used his lacrosse stick.  Then Autumn and I went exploring in this pretty little stream and woods behind the park, and then played on the playground swinging on the swings.  We had so much fun that Autumn and I went back to the park with some of our other friends and played volleyball (this time Coby didn’t come with us).  I was surprised how much I didn’t care that Coby wasn’t there!  After the park, Autumn and I had a great time gossiping and sharing secrets, bonding the ways that girls do.  We ate some cheesecake because it was her birthday.  We’re going out this weekend to celebrate.  I had such a good time with her, and afterwards we kept texting (wow spellchecker is telling me that “texting” isn’t a word).  Anyways, she told me how she met some guy on Tinder and how he invited her to go to a boat party, and that she almost said yes.  I made fun of her for being into pirates.  I tweeted part of our conversation and got 4 favorites!  I feel so popular.  Then she tweeted “I may have texted @CaitieMaz more than I’ve ever texted any boy. Sole mates who wear the same shoe size.”  This was such an awesome feeling.  It’s not quite the same intense exhilaration of kissing a guy for the first time, but it also doesn’t come with that sinking knowledge that the feeling is ephemeral.  It’s the steady happiness of knowing that I’ve made a new friend.

2)  I found out that Coby doesn’t hate me.  I talked to his friend about the whole situation.  Basically he really likes me, it’s just he doesn’t know where to go from there.  We only have a week left in this program before we’ll probably never see each other again.  I’m just getting out of a long term relationship, and for my sake he doesn’t want to do anything or start anything that I might regret later.  Also neither one of us really “hook up” with people, but we also definitely don’t want to date, so what else is there?  Personally I’d love a good snuggle/make-out session or two before we part our separate ways, but I’m not sure how he feels about it.  Bottom line is that all the weirdness has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the tricky situation at hand.  His way of dealing with the strange circumstances is to ignore me and avoid it all.  I don’t even know what I want with the whole thing, so I can’t really blame him for being confused.  Basically all this stress and strangeness isn’t really worth it after all.  My roommate is going away this weekend so mabey I’ll invite him over for a cuddle session.  If he says yes, then awesome.  If he says no, then fine that’s cool I’m not gonna stress over it.

I’m happy all this is happening, because it’s showing me that boys really aren’t worth all this nonsense.  All of my worrying and over-analyzing and misery for what – a single make-out session?  It’s totally not worth it.  (And mabey I’m being naive for just wanting a make-out session.  Most guys would want to go all the way, which I’m totally NOT cool with, and then all the stress is for a make-out session followed by a really awkward moment where I push him away and leave…)  Anyways, I’m in a good mood today and I’m gonna do my best to keep it this way 🙂

College is about finding the bridesmaids, not the groom.

This morning

This morning I woke up sad.  Magen is being particularly annoying, I’m 90% sure that my roommate is mad at me, the Coby situation is making me angry and self-conscious, and worst of all I’m breaking up with my best friend.  If Andrew was completely on board with the whole thing (like he was in the beginning), this would be a lot easier.  Right now the hardest part is the thought that I hurt him so badly, when all he’s been to me is perfect and wonderful.  Of course I’m sad at the situation in general, but what’s killing me is picturing him sitting at home upset and confused.  I love him, and the very last thing I want to do is hurt him.

I don’t deserve this

Andrew and I talked on the phone again.  We further discussed the terms of the break, or break up, or pause, or whatever.  Basically we’re going to break up for a semester, and see how things go from there.  I’m still in a state of shock about the matter.  When reality hits me I’m sure I’ll regard this as the biggest mistake of my life.

I’m officially fed up with Coby.  I was talking to a friend the other day, who said Coby showed her boyfriend some texts that we had exchanged about liking each other.  Apparently Coby was happy that I liked him back, and was bragging about it.  This makes me very angry.  I don’t so much care that he told his friend about it, but what bothers me is that he refuses to make any first moves with me, is completely distant and pretends to not like me, and then uses me as a bragging piece to his friends.  If he’s so happy that I like him back, why doesn’t he freaking do something about it and kiss me!  I have so many dumb unrealistic dreams about us snuggling under the stars, talking about life.  I don’t actually like him that much, it’d just be nice to have a summer fling rebound to get my mind off of Andrew.  It’s so so annoying, because I know he likes me, and I’ve made so many first moves and excuses to see each other and reasons to start texting conversations.  Even once I make a move he reciprocates, and he’s always flirting with me, finding excuses to touch me, etc etc.  It just really pisses me off because it’s not moving past flirty conversation and I’m getting impatient.  I thought I was a pretty cool chick.  I think I’m pretty, fun, funny, and more, but when he treats me like this it makes me feel awful on the inside.  I should have guys chasing after me, not the other way around.

This whole situation wrecks my self-esteem.  I hate how little self confidence I have.  I think good things about myself, but I don’t know them.  As soon as someone gives me any slight reason to doubt myself, I believe them in a heartbeat.  This is what I was saying before about drug addicts.  This little game with Coby, I hate it so so much.  I’ve spent countless hours in misery because of all this shit, yet I keep going back for more.  I can’t get over the rush of when he finally smiles at me, or puts his hand on my back.  It’s a wonderful and terrible thing.  The worst part about all this is how low it makes me feel afterwards.  I’m being rejected by a 19 year old!  Mabey I’m not as pretty or cool or funny as I thought… shouldn’t someone be lucky to have me return their affection?  I feel like I’m constantly fighting for the approval of others, and never the other way around.  People tell me all the time that they’re sure guys are constantly throwing themselves at me.  Well guess what – they’re not.

There’s this other girl in our group, Magen.  She’s kind of annoying.  She tries way too hard to get people to like her and to think she’s cool (even to the point of pushing others down).  Coby has even told me multiple times about how he thinks she’s annoying.  And yet – he gives her more attention than he gives me!  I don’t understand!  He talks to her more, laughs at her more, jokes around with her more, and texts her more.  It makes me so angry and confused and frustrated.  I’m so done with this shit.  Screw Coby, I never liked him that much anyways.

Cocktails

This weekend has been a cocktail of awkward and wonderful and miserable.  That statement pretty accurately describes my life in general.  Andrew came over this past Thursday.  We talked a lot in person about our feelings and such.  We went out to dinner first.  I couldn’t help thinking the entire time that this was the “last supper”.  It was hard to even look at him without crying.  Am I a complete idiot for ending this?  We’re great together, we love each other, respect each other, and there aren’t any major problems or concerns… I just don’t feel like dealing with a relationship right now.  It’s a lot of time and emotion that goes into it, and at this point in my life I’d rather worry about myself for a while.  I have the rest of my life to get married and have kids and commit to a serious relationship.  Right now I just wanna fly.

I’ve never experienced, or even heard of someone else experiencing, a situation where a relationship is ended for topics completely outside of the relationship.  Maybe we shouldn’t be breaking up.  I wish there was some way to continue dating without being so serious.  It’s such a painful situation.  I couldn’t even say the words “break up” to his face.  We talked again on the phone this morning.  He said all this limbo and indecision was getting too difficult.  He said he just needed a decision so he could deal accordingly.  So far we’ve basically agreed to break up… but we’re gonna specify “details” tomorrow (how long are we not gonna talk to each other, will we ever see each other, etc).

In other news, Coby replied to that text finally.  His battery had died so it took him till the next day.  We hung out yesterday.  A bunch of us watched a movie together.  We sat next to each other and snuggled under a blanket; it was nice.  After that Coby and another friend and I went up to someone else’s room.  They were having a party.  I like going to parties and meeting new people.  I also really like beer pong, even though I don’t drink the beer.  I just like throwing the pingpong balls.  Around 2am everyone started to leave, and Coby walked me back to my room.  We ended up standing outside the door for another half hour, just talking.  Finally we decided to go to bed.  He still hasn’t kissed me.

I understand how drug addicts function.  I hate the boy game.  There’s so much awkwardness, torture, disappointment, frustration… it’s so not worth it.  It causes so much misery.  So much emotion.  The dread of waiting for a text, worrying if you said the right thing, wondering how the other person is feeling or what they’re thinking – its completely horrible.  Yet I consistently go back for more.  That moment when he finally looks at you… smiles… holds your hand… kisses you… there’s nothing in the entire world more exhilarating!  No matter how awful the road was to this point, I will always go back for more.  I’d spend weeks of frustration for twenty minutes of bliss.

I have too many feelings.  I’m going for a run.

(Almost) Midnight thoughts

Thought #1:  Aunt Irma came today.  This is probably a huge reason why I’ve been so emotional today.  Good news is that now I can treat myself with a nice cup of coffee tomorrow.  The hotel where I’m staying has free “coffee” available to guests (notice that I put coffee in twin flying commas.)  I can only justify spending money on tasty coffee ever so often, and Aunt Irma time is one of those times.

Thought #2:  I saw Coby.  I went home to visit with my family for a while, and when I came back to the hotel I brought my doggie Pingie Bear to come meet everyone.  Coby was here with the rest of our friend group.  He was talking to me as if everything was normal; I tried to act the same.  I’m not sure where we stand.  Are we just friends, or “flirty friends”, or are we doing a summer fling?  I have no freaking idea.

Goodnight.

Rebound

Is rebounding healthy? I think so… but mabey I only think so because I always do it.

Some background: After Paulo (the two year boyfriend I had in high school) there was Clark. Clark was at least a foot shorter than me, completely out of my league in the downwards direction, and so into me. This last quality stuck out above all others. Don’t get me wrong, Clark was a cool guy. He was on a competitive rock-climbing team, he was funny, and he was distant enough that it always kept me wanting more. The reason I know that he was a rebound was because looking back at the whole situation, I would have never been interested in this guy if I hadn’t just broken up with Paulo. I am incredibly dependent on the approval and positive feedback of others. Breakups leave me with little to no self-confidence, and an extremely empty emotional hole. I instantly cling to the first source of appreciation I can find. After Paulo, this source was Clark. I was obsessed. At that time I carpooled to school with his best friend, and I would bother him about Clark the entire ride, every morning. “Does he like me?” “I really like him but don’t tell him!” “Can you feel him out and see what he says about me?” “What should I do, he’s not making the first move, should I??” The worst part was that the guy wasn’t even that into me. He said one single passing comment to one of my girlfriends about how he thought I was cool, and I just took it and ran.

Well what do you know – It’s happening again. I realize that it’s happening, and I can’t even stop it. I’m living in another town for the summer with a bunch of interns from all over the country. There’s this guy Coby. He’s funny, has beautiful eyes, a great taste in music, and is (or was) totally into me. He was also born in 1995 – the same year my little sister was born. He’s also at about that same maturity level. Getting mad at dumb things, flirting with me then complaining to other people about how I won’t stop flirting with him. Stupid stuff. But the very same week that Andrew and I started falling apart, someone told me he liked me. And I was hooked. Logically, I have absolutely no reason to like this guy. Apparently logic doesn’t matter. I literally cannot stop thinking about it! We snuggled on the couch one time and now I’m acting like he’s the most glorious thing to ever happen to me all summer! I’m constantly thinking about him, re-reading and analyzing our texts, strategically planning how to see him next, and worrying that I might be coming on too strong or not strong enough. It’s miserable. The worst part is that I realize that I don’t actually like this guy. He’s not even that attractive!

Mabey I do this because I’d rather dwell on meaningless crushes than think about important stuff like Andrew. When I’m obsessing over Cody, the Andrew situation doesn’t even enter my mind. It’s like the one topic in my life that has the ability to block out all Andrew-related thoughts and worries and depression. Or mabey I’m just crazy.

On top of everything, I think I really screwed it up by confronting Cody about our non-existing “relationship”. I’m a mess. Below are the texts we exchanged last night. This whole situation just makes me feel so awful on the inside. I’m being turned down by a 19 year old! This sucks. I hate everything. Except for loud music. I like loud music.

 

Me: I hate you

Coby: Woah now! That’s pretty harsh. Why do you claim you hate me?

Me: I was gonna tell you. But you left.

Coby: Yeah I’m about to go to bed. I can’t stay there forever! Why do you hate me? Also, hate is such a harsh word. It requires effort. You have to actively hate someone. It’s not a passive thing. I believe you may strongly dislike me, but I find it hard to believe you hate me.

Me: Lol I know I’m gonna sleep soon too. Ugh fine I don’t HATE you. But I strongly dislike you.

Coby: And the reason for this impassioned disgust and dismay is?

Me: You can’t do around flirting with people, and then behind their back complain about them flirting with you!

Coby: Alright I only complained cause I was getting frustrated and I really wanted my ball back. I’m sorry that I said that and that I made you mad. I got frustrated over something that wasn’t a big deal and I apologize

Me: Well if you would have just asked for it seriously I’d have given it to you :p But don’t flirt with people if you don’t want them to flirt back! It’s too confusing. But I’m not just talking about flirting. I also mean snuggling on couches… etc…

Coby: Listen, I just said that cause I wanted the ball and I wanted to go to bed. And I just don’t know what you want from me. You have a boyfriend and I don’t want to get in the way of that.

Me: Okayyy I beleive you. Oh yeah that boyfriend situation. We broke up like a month ago.

Coby: A month ago? We hung out that night maybe two weeks ago and you were still dating… But, the question still stands; what exactly do you want from me?

Me: Yeah it’s a weird situation. We see eachother still… but we’re not dating. We officially “broke up” like a month ago, but it’s taken a few weeks to get our shit together. What do you mean what do I want?

Coby: Like I don’t necessarily know where you want it to go. You know? Do you want to be flirty friends? Or do you want to hook up? Or do you want something serious? Like I don’t know what is necessarily a good idea given your situation and mine. I’m not one to just hook up with people a whole lot, and you don’t seem like one who does that either. But taking it to a more serious level is not good either because there’s 2 and a half weeks left of summer and then we may never see each other again. You know?

Me: Yea no I totally agree with that. I’m not much for hooking up either, and I definitely don’t want to date or anything… But I like you and you like me (I think?) and we have two weeks so why not hang out while we can? Just as friends, but we don’t have to keep it totalllyyyy platonic

 

And then he didn’t reply back………

Coby

His exact comment was “Why are all the good ones taken??” Well that was extremely flattering. I triggered something inside of me… something that gave me that final push to do something about the discontent between Andrew and I. Coby wasn’t the reason for our break up. He was the final straw on the camel’s back.

One night I was over Coby’s place late into the night. We just sat and talked, which turned into sitting closer and closer, which turned into snuggling, which almost turned into a kiss. He asked about Andrew. I told him “things are complicated”. He said he wanted to kiss me. He said that he didn’t want to kiss me. He said he didn’t want me to do anything I’d regret later. He asked what I wanted. I asked if he had ever really, really, wanted a cookie – but knew that he shouldn’t because he had just worked out that day. He said he understood.

I was still with Andrew – I was cheating on Andrew. How could I ever do something so awful to someone I loved so much? Years of suppressed desires will do that to a person. It took this moment with Coby for me to realize this. If there are issues, they must be dealt with. Band-Aids just cause deeper wounds. The wounds and problems and feelings get worse and worse, and you can’t even see how bad things are because you refuse to acknowledge they exist at all. In our case, these weren’t feelings or issues within our relationship, but within ourselves. You can’t truly be satisfied or happy with a person if you’re not satisfied or happy with yourself.

The next day I called Andrew. I didn’t tell him about Coby because I didn’t want him to think that these feelings were coming from wanting to be with another person. I liked Coby, but deep down I knew that Coby was just a sign to myself that something had to be done. It wasn’t about the boy, it was about me. Andrew and I talked for a long time. We decided not to make any final decisions right then, but we also acknowledged that a breakup was inevitable. If we give each other space now that we need it, mabey we can continue a friendship for the next few years until we’re both ready for a serious and committed relationship. If we try to force it now we might end up hating each other for it. I talked to my dad on the phone. He helped me to gather my feelings. This is the first time I’ve ever asked my dad for boy advice – he’s actually a really awesome person to talk to about this. He even sent me the names of a few breakup songs to help me feel better (including “Love Stinks” by the J. Geils Band). Andrew and I are seeing each other in a few days, we’ll pull the trigger then…

Right person, wrong time

Andrew and I are having issues. We’ve been having issues, but we’ve been doing our best to hide them – until now. When Andrew first asked me out, I immediately told him my reservations. I had broken up with my high school boyfriend a few months before (Paulo – we’d dated throughout junior and senior year). Inside of myself, I knew that I needed some time to be single. Your 20s is supposed to be all about self-discovery and adventure! I didn’t want yet another long term boyfriend (Andrew and I had been good friends for 6 months before we started liking each other. I knew how well we got along, and how much we liked each other outside of a romantic relationship, so I had inklings that if we started dating we’d be at it for a while). I finally decided to say yes to his proposal of dating. I hoped that these feelings of angst would disappear eventually… but I was so wrong. After dating for two and a half years, the feelings had become stronger than ever. I mentioned them to him a few times, but we had such a wonderful relationship that I didn’t want to screw it up or break up.

This summer I’m living in another town for an internship, so we only see each other a few times a month. It’s given us enough space to be able to picture life without each other… and we both have come to the realization that we would survive without each other. Along with my own angsty feelings, Andrew has had plenty of his own. I’m his first long term girlfriend (his first girlfriend ever actually). He’s expressed to me that without having the experiences of seeing others, he sometimes doubts whether we’re meant to be. These are feelings that I had with Paulo, so I completely understand where he’s coming from. How do you know if you’re truly in love if you’ve only ever had one romantic experience?

These feelings continued throughout the years that we were together. The hardest part is that we truly love each other (we think)… and there’s nothing between us that is going wrong or unsatisfyingly… it’s an issue that’s completely outside of either of us. We found the right person at the wrong time. But how do you end a perfectly wonderful relationship on some feelings of young restlessness? And along came Coby…

Break up

Oh my goshhh. I need to call you. Like for serious. My life is a disaster zone right now lol.

Oh no! What’s wrong? I’m at work now 😦

No not now, I’m at work too. Just Andrew stuff…

Oh no… Fight?

No not at all actually. Just feelings we’ve both been having recently about being in a serious relationship in our 20s

Wait like about getting serious or not wanting to be serious

Like we love each other. But we’re not sure we wanna be dating anyone at this point in our lives.  Like we are serious

Wait so you don’t want to be in a relationship at this point, or if you are you want it to be serious?

No no, right now it’s almost too serious… There are other things in our lives we need to be focusing on besides this serious relationship with each other.

Yeah.  But do you want to end it because of that?  That’s tough

I have no idea. It’s just the two of us have been having similar thoughts for a while now. It’s just hard cause if we don’t do anything about it we could end up never getting that chance to figure out who we are individually. And resent each other for it.  But then again if we do “take a break” or whatever, we may never get back together…

Yeah. So he feels that way too?

Yeah. Not as severely as me, but yes.

That’s a tough one.  Can you still choose to take those opportunities and be together? Like study abroad and do long distance.

I mean we could. I just don’t know.  Here’s some thoughts I wrote down for myself that sums it up pretty well… “I know who I am with guys. That’s you. You’re exactly who I want to be with. But I’ve been in serious relationships for almost 5 years in a row now… I need to figure out who I am outside of another person. Our relationship is so so serious… I really need to do more things, see more places, take more chances, before I settle down. I can’t do the “ring by spring” and get engaged before I even graduate from college. And I feel like that’s sorta where this relationship is going… You’re the one who I want to be with forever, but I will never be able to do that without finding myself first.”

Did you send that to him?

No. But that’s basically what I told him on the phone.

What did he say?

He said he understood. But then he asked what I wanted to do about it… And I just have no idea… I suggested a break. But he said for a break to be useful for him too, he’d need it when were back at school and he’s living normally again. Right now all he does is work and see me lol so a break wouldn’t change anything for him at this point. I’m off living away doing my own thing so it’d be different from my perspective

Yeah. Does it look like that’s what you’re gonna do?

I have no idea. Like a month till the end of summer is good for me but too short for him. And a semester is good for him but too long for me. I just wanna do what’s best for both of us, if were gonna take a break I wanna do it right. If it’s only good for one of us then a break is painful and pointless

How to write a blog

I’m writing a blog.  I don’t know why, I just feel like I should.  It’s a place to express myself, unwind, and practice my writing skills.

Mabey (yes, that’s how I spell maybe.  I like it that way) this is a stupid idea to post my inner most feelings to the world wide web, but I’m going to do it anyway.  In an effort give myself a bit of privacy, I’ve changed my name to Cady.  Yes, after Lindsay Lohan’s character in Mean Girls. She’s the new kid from a random private school, constantly on a quest to find acceptance in some group or another. Both of us foolishly idolize the “cool kids”, realize that we do this, and still do this anyway. It’s all about her quest to find herself and discover who she is as a person outside of everyone else.  In the end she finally discovers who she is and who her true friends are, an ending I dream of for myself.

I have decided to keep this blog a secret from anyone I know in real life. First and foremost, I want to say that I am (so far) not ashamed of what I’ve written. I am keeping myself anonymous because in hiding who I am, I can be myself. I don’t want to feel pressure to have to tweak my stories to make them more socially acceptable, less embarrassing, or more entertaining. I want to reflect myself to be exactly who I am. I don’t want the pressure to have to save face or keep up with the person who I think others see me as. I want to be as open and honest as possible. For this same reason I will change the names of those who I talk about in this blog, just in case I ever become friends with an internet detective tabloid writer who wishes to uncover my secret and expose me to the world.

So why am I posting my life on the internet? Do I actually think anyone will care enough to read it? Or that anyone will even find it in this vast sea of cyberspace? Besides a few childish (and incredibly unrealistic) dreams of becoming anonymously internet famous for my relatable, humorous, and surprisingly well written blog (none of which probably accurately describe this blog), this is a personal reflection. I used to keep a diary… but I was awful at keeping up with it. If I have in my head an invisible (and most likely nonexistent) audience eagerly awaiting my posts, I’ll have more motivation to continue writing (and to continue writing in a coherent or at least semi-grammatical manner, such that future Cady will be able to read what current Cady has written.) Who knows if I will even want to read what I’ve written 5 or 10 years from now? Maybe the internet won’t exist 5 or 10 years from now? Maybe I won’t exist 5 or 10 years from now! Who knows.

Now it’s time for me to actually post things. Not sure how this will go, or how long I’ll even keep up with this, but I’ll give it my best shot! If anyone is out there reading this, enjoy (:

– C