Neb

I never thought I’d be saying this AGAIN… but there’s another guy.  What is wrong with me.  His name is Neb.  I know it’s a silly name, but I can’t think of anything better to call him.  I first met him at tennis last year, but never really talked to him until this semester.

Two weeks into the semester we hung out for the first time, manning the tennis booth at Student Involvement Day.  We ditched the table to get some free french fries, talked for an hour about school, jobs, life, and crappy french fries, and I was hooked ever since.

About a month later, I mentioned to Marie that I thought he was cute.  She replied with – “OMG he totally likes you!”.  That was the moment I became obsessed with Neb.  I can’t stop thinking about him!  He’s an adorable white boy, a cross between a prep and a nerd, quiet, yet talkative to a few.  I can’t stop myself from looking forward to seeing him every night at practice.  I get sadder than I should when he doesn’t show.  I made it my mission to talk to him, to get to know him a little better.

One night as I was leaving the courts, I found a ball outside in the grass and picked it up to throw back into the basket.  Neb turned around and saw me with my arm up about the throw the ball, and thought I was waving to him.  He waved back, then realized I wasn’t waving, and I shouted “I’m not waving at you, ya weirdo!”.  The most adorable embarassed-happy-smile spread across his face.  I soon found myself plotting to hang out with him outside of practice.  My plan was flawless:

I set myself up to play on his doubles team one practice.  After asking what classes he was taking, I discovered he took Statistics a few semesters ago.  I made a passing comment about how I’m struggling in the class.  The next day, we found ourselves walking to the parking lot together.  I mentioned I had a statistics exam the next day, and that I was really worried about it (*HINT HINT*).  He took the hint.  We agreed to meet up at 7am the next morning so he could help me with the class and lend me a calculator.  It’s always crazy seeing tennis people outside of tennis.  He looked so nice!  And smelled even better.

On my way to class I ran into him again in the coffee line.  I said “Oh my gosh hi again!”, he said “You can’t seem to get rid of me, can you?”.  I made it to my 8am class in time.  An hour later, I got a text from him – here’s the conversation:

Neb:  This page/video explains continuity correction pretty clearly if you’re worried about it *website*

Me: Ahh you’re awesome thanks so much!  Fml just spilled half my coffee straight down my shirt. I’m am 100% dropping out of school now 😞

Neb:  😭😭 Ughh that’s the worst. Do you have another shirt? My prof called me a genius in class this morning so I might last another week.

Me: Nope lol 😦 Well he’s not wrong! Haha why did he say that?

Neb: Is your shirt stained? We were just translating a section of Caesar’s Gallic War narrative in class and he tried to translate ahead of the section we had prepared but he confused the subject and the objects of the paragraph which confused everyone but I had been up since 5 so I explained what Caesar was saying. I can just see the employers lining up for an Econ major who reads Latin- such a useful skill these days 😂

Me: Yeah lol but the plad pattern basically covers it up 🙏🏼 Hahaha that’s awesome though – you could fill out the Roman Empires tax returns.  Damn now that you’re a super genius you’re gonna start upping the price of tutoring sessions  😢

Neb:  Haha I hope I never have to do tax accounting but I hear that roman taxes were pretty straightforward so maybe 😜 lol its not going to my head. I’m probably going to end up dropping one of my classes this semester, I’ve never felt so stupid in my life.

Me: I know what you mean. Last year I got two Cs and dropped a class in the same semester… First time getting Cs or dropping a class ever 😕 Don’t feel stupid though, it happens to everyone.  And the ppl it doesn’t happen to are the ones who have zero life outside of classes (which sucks)

Neb:  Yeah, class discussion periods are always a confidence booster… I know the sample (people who talk in class) is somewhat skewed to toward the stupid people, but it’s pretty shocking how many of them there are in college.

*Ryan Gosling Meme saying “You got this”*     Don’t let Ryan gosling down 😜

Me:  Hahahaha I will definitely ace this exam now 😂 Ahhh t-minus half an hour I’m gonna die 💀

Neb:  T minus 30 you’re going to rock that test’s world and 15 years from now that test will be telling it’s friends about you 😉

 

This entire conversation is amazing.  He’s never this talkative!  I’m so mad at myself though about how it ended.  I texted him back (something about loving his pre-exam pep talk), and the message never sent!  At this point it’s too late to re-send it… so I guess I’ll have to live with him thinking I never responded *sad face*

I’m such a weird I’ve been thinking about this all day.  I was looking forward to tennis all day yesterday, but he never came.  Hopefully he’ll be there today.

I’m so frustrated with how easily I fall in love with people.  Okay, so I’m not in love with Neb (obviously).  But I honestly feel like anyone who I get to know well enough I’ll eventually love!  It’s just a matter of who’s the best person for me.  Andrew is no doubt amazing.  But what if Neb and I would work out better?  All the possibilities in life really drive me crazy.

 

The rollercoaster element

I enjoy having sex, but mostly because it makes him happy.  We’ve been doing it for a few months now, and it doesn’t hurt nearly as much.  I still can’t enjoy it though from a physical perspective, and it drives me crazy!

Even other sexual things aren’t exciting to me.  The only times I’ve orgasmed is by myself in one single position.  With other guys I’ve been with, and even with Andrew when we first started dating, I felt the excitement of physical intimacy.  I definitely  have a sex drive (read the posts about Bobby).  It’s just with Andrew now… there’s no passion.  He’s honestly not really passionate about anything in his life, so it’s no surprise that it’s the same sexually.  I don’t know what it is, but I don’t get any enjoyment from kissing, touching, or having sex with Andrew.  It sucks so much, because I feel like this is the time of our lives where we should be having hot crazy sex all the time!  When we do “stuff”, its always to satisfy him, even though I pretend to want it also.  He can’t enjoy it if I don’t enjoy it, so I fake it to make it better for him.

I’ve told him about these issues, and we’ve talked about it.  He definitely feels badly about the situation, but there’s nothing he can do to make it any better.  It’s a fine line to walk on between being honest with him, and making him feel badly about a problem that’s not his fault.  We’ve tried different positions, different times of day, more foreplay, different foreplay, and being more “into it” (i.e. being mindful of each other and trying harder to kiss passionately, for example).  Nothing is working.  I even switched my medication to one that doesn’t have sexual side effects!  No difference.

I’m so frustrated.  If we don’t have passion or chemistry now, will we ever? Will more communication and work help these issues, or are we doomed to have a terrible sex life for as long as we’re together?  I was watching Friends, and Ross made a comment about how passion is overrated.  He said that passion eventually dies out, it’s what remains after the passion that matters.  Our entire relationship is built on non-passion related elements.  We make a great team, have similar values, hold great respect for one another, and comparable views of how we want our future to look like. Is this enough?  I know that these are all the “important” elements… but a huge part of me craves that messy, hot, butterfly-filled, rollercoaster element!  Is it worth sticking with Andrew because we’ll be successful in the long-term?  Or will I regret wasting my youth over a relationship that was “too responsible”?  Am I with Andrew because it’s the safe choice, or the smart choice?