A great time to be confused

Today was rough.  It’s Andrew’s birthday.  When we broke up in August, we agreed to talk in a month to touch base and catch up on life.  A month later happened to be the day of his birthday, which was today.  I called him and things generally went well.  He told me all about his night out last night (it was his 21st).  It was really hard for me to hear him talk about it.  He talked about how he went out with a bunch of friends from school (many of whom are mutual friends of ours), and went to a bar somewhere.  He said he got so wasted that he couldn’t remember half the night, and only knew what happened via videos that some people took.  He said that on the way home two of his buddies had to carry him back.  I don’t know why this bothered me so much.  Partly the reason is that I’m jealous that I don’t get to hang out with him and have fun with him anymore.  Another reason is that seeing my friends with him, and having fun, the way that all of us used to, is really hard.  Lastly I guess is that I don’t really like to see anyone drink in such excess, it bothers me for some reason.  And when someone close to me does… I just get a yucky feeling inside.  It also makes me feel weird to imagine his other friends taking care of him, when I used to be the one to take care of him (not necessarily when he drinks, but as his girlfriend I would take care of him in general).

I tried my best to not show any of this dismay or upset-ness to him, I tried to hide it and just seem happy that he had a good time.  When it comes down to it, I am really happy that he’s happy.  It’s just very difficult to see him enjoying himself without me.  I know that this is part of a breakup.  But it sucks seeing the reality of everything.  Before I said that I was in shock about not being together anymore, and that it didn’t seem real yet.  With every day that passes, it’s seeming more and more real.  It’s scary to me.  I didn’t ever want to breakup… I just needed some space.  It’s so weird, for two and a half years things were 100% ok, and then in a span of two weeks it all fell apart.

I keep asking myself over and over if I made a mistake.  Did I really need to see what it was like being single?  Was wanting a breakup actually just some angsty 20-somethings FOMO that I should have ignored?  Did I freak out because of all the weddings and babies girls are having, and make a rash decision?  Did I get caught up in the Coby situation, and make a rash decision?  I have no freaking idea.  I’ve expressed these feelings to my mom, who simply told me that I’m in my 20s, and this is a great time to be confused.  That it’s ok that I don’t know what I’m doing.  Is it though?  The decisions that I make now will effect me for the rest of my life!  I’m building my future here, with no blueprints!  What if Andrew is the love of my life, and I’m throwing him out because I can’t figure out how to make up my mind?  And then of course there’s always “more fish in the sea”.  I’m petrified that I’m playing for catch and release with Andrew, and by the time that I’m ready to play for keeps, he’ll be off in someone else’s pond, and I’ll be stuck with whatever skimpy goldfish comes along next.  Life is hard.

Randos are not good kissers

Now that I’m living up my single life, I finally have the chance to do all the things I couldn’t before.  Which is… not a whole lot I guess.  The major difference is how much more time I have for myself (or for my friends) on weekends, and that instead of calling Andrew to say a quick “hi” on the way back to my home, I call my Mom.  My Mom loves me being single.

I’ve gone out twice now with Faith and Marie.  We take a cab or an Uber down into the city to a bar.  Marie isn’t actually 21, so we have to “pass back” Faith’s ID (the two look relatively alike).  I always get so nervous doing this – if we’re caught I could go to jail for serving alcohol to a minor!  It also makes me feel like a bad-ass.  Which is cool I guess.

One of the things on my single to-do list has always been to make out with a “rando”.  You know, like a random guy at a bar who you may or may not know his name, but certainly don’t know anything about him.  People usually blame the make-out session on drunkenness, but we all know that’s not true.  Sure, alcohol may help you get up the courage to make those moves to kissing strangers, but deep down everyone (drunk or not) enjoys a good make-out here and there.  Well, two weekends in a row, I got my wish.  The first guy was named Adam.  He was a friend of a friend of a friend of Marie, who we happened to run into at the bar.  I met him after dancing up on a number of other guys (with none of whom any kissing took place).  I was feeling confident when this guy started talking to me.  We had a nice brief conversation (it was very loud and difficult to hear each other), then started dancing.  Finally, Faith wanted to go home.  I was pretty tipsy at this point (much more than I ever really remember being before in my life) – but certainly not drunk.  I was about to leave dear Adam for Faith, when I got a wonderful idea.  KISS HIM.  Why not?  What did I have to loose?  So I did it!  And he (of course) was totally into it.  We made-out for 30 seconds or so, then I said good buy and ran off to find Faith and Marie to catch the cab home.  This was a good experience, because it was my first rando ever kissing!  He wasn’t a particularly good kisser… but he was respectful, polite, and the kiss only lasted a small amount of time.  I was also very proud of myself.

The second weekend wasn’t so exciting.  I wasn’t as tipsy that time, and we had been dancing in the bar for a few hours so I was getting tired.  A cute guy came up and started dancing with me.  He had a very strong french accent, and explained that he played tennis for UMBC.  Awesome!  We danced for a while, both of us facing the same way.  Then he turned me around so that we were facing each other and dancing.  I could tell that he wanted to kiss me, he was kind of awkwardly staring at my face for a while… I pretended not to notice.  That’s when the “screw it” bulb flashed above my head, and I turned to give into it.  Boy was I surprised.  Apparently not all french guys are stellar wonderful amazing orgasmic kissers.  This guy goes straight for my face, full speed ahead, tongue first!  He continued kissing, 90% tongue, 10% I don’t even know what else.  I don’t know why I put up with it for so long… but we continued in this way for a good 10 minutes.  I was trying to mix in some lips, pull his hair a little to change things, but damn was this guy stubborn.  The cigarettes on his breath didn’t improve things either.  Finally I told him I had to go off and find my friends, and after convincing him that I did not want to take a cab home with him, I left.  Unfortunately I gave him my correct phone number (I don’t know why I did that), so he called me twice and texted me 4 times that night wanting to meet up when I got back to the school.  I think he wanted the sexy time.

This is how I feel about these two guys

So what’s the moral of this story?  Well one good thing to come out of all this is that I do have more self confidence.  I know that any night I want to lock-lips with a rando, it’s much easier than I once thought.  It’s also much less romantic than I once thought.  You may find an awesome kisser here and there, but to be totally honest most of them (especially when they’re drunk) are slimy and smell like an ashtray.  Do I regret my actions?  Yes and no.  If you asked if I would do it again, I’d probably say no.  But if you asked if I’m glad I did it, I’d probably say yes.  I firmly believe that you need to live it to learn it.  It’s not enough to hear someone else’s experiences, you really have to go out there and do it for yourself.  When I was with Andrew I had lots of FOMO (“fear of missing out”) about not being able to go out and party and make out with randos.  I put it on this pedestal, like there were so many epic amazing nights I was giving up to be with him.  I definitely need this time alone to be free and explore this, and live these nights.  But if it turns out that they’re not so epic and amazing, I won’t regret going out, I’ll just know better for next time.  I’ll be able to make a firm decision, that I’d rather commit to Andrew (or someone else even) than live life single and “free”.

New apartment

So I’ve moved into my new apartment!  I love it here.  It’s technically on-campus housing, but it’s so nice.  We even have our own laundry room!  I’m here with Faith and Marie, Faith is a good friend of mine from high school, Marie is her old roommate.  There’s also a 4th random person.  I’ve got all my stuff moved in, and I’m pretty much settled in.  Every day this place feels more and more like home.  I decorated a bit, we bought some dishes from Goodwill, and my mom even gave me a pretty table cloth for the dining room.  I love it here.  I love living on my own too.  The independence is so great – I feel like I’m running my own household but without children or a boring smelly husband!  Life is great.

I will cap his knees

Cody still owes me $20 from the crab feast.  I’ve texted him several times.  No response.  I know he lives all the way in NC, but he could easily mail me the money.  If he was a friend I’d just let it go, but since he’s an immature asshole I’ve decided to go crazy bitch and demand the money.  If he doesn’t pay up soon, I will change from crazy bitch to mafia boss and cap his knees clean off.

5 Seconds

After I got home, I went back to the hotel room to hang out with the interns.  I learned a new party trick – how to snap a bottle cap and make it fly across the room.  I was really frustrated though, as Coby was blatantly ignoring me.  He flirts with me for a month straight, and yet makes zero moves.  I was giving him hint after hint that I was into it, and still nothing.  Now he refuses to acknowledge the fact that I exist?  I was so annoyed that I finally confronted him.

“Coby – what is happening between us?  I know there was a thing, we even talked about it, but now you’re pretending like I don’t exist and I don’t know what’s going on,”  I said.

“What do you want from me?  You have/had a boyfriend, the summer is almost over, what’s the point of dealing with all of this?” he replied.

“We don’t have to define it, I don’t even want to date you.  But I like you and you like me, and we have two weeks left together, let’s just see what happens and have fun,” I told him.

His reply was to act as if he had no idea what I was taking about.  He went on about how he’s a very flirty person, and that I probably got the wrong idea, that he doesn’t like me.  By the way that’s complete bull shit, because we’d had multiple conversations specifically about liking each other.

“You can’t deny that you flirt more with me than anyone else.  You straight up told me you had feelings for me.  We cuddled on the couch, we laughed, we talked, we had a genuine connection.  Now you’re pretending like that never happened, and you’re treating me like I don’t exist, and it’s really frustrating!”

“What do you want me to do – give you 100% of my attention?  Not talk to anyone else but you?” he shot back.

I was so annoyed, I didn’t even know what to say.  But I knew we had a connection, and part of me still wanted him, even for only 2 weeks.  Even if he was being so incredibly stupid.  After all, he was only 18, possibly all of this nonsense was simply immaturity or inexperience.  I gave him an ultimatum.

“Coby, forget the bull shit – you have exactly 5 seconds to either kiss me, or walk away.  If you walk, I will not hate you, we can go back to being friends just like before.”

5 seconds pass.

He stands there like an idiot, too much of a pansy to make a decision.  If he didn’t want a thing with me I’d respect for him for that.  All he needed to do was to act on what he wanted.

But he didn’t kiss me.  And he didn’t walk away.  So I did.

I still have no idea what his deal was, and I probably never will.  Rumor had it he was planning on getting back together with an ex.  Someone else said he was too scared to act on anything, and the ex was an excuse.  Whatever the case, he missed his chance and I’m done.

One of my other intern friends, John, knew him pretty well, and knew me pretty well, and was helping me through this.  John’s opinion was that Coby was a young immature idiot, too stupid to realize what a bombshell I was.  As the night went on John got more and more drunk, and his helpful advice turned into hitting on me, which turned into inviting me into a threesome with him and his girlfriend.  The scary thing is that I was so upset about all of it, I almost said yes!  I doubt I would have actually gone through with it, but the fact that I even considered it… Oh god.

The next morning (Saturday) I didn’t wake up until 2:30pm.  That night I went to a club for a fellow intern’s birthday.  I made sure to look super hot to force myself to forget about Coby.  Some guy in his late 30s approached me,

“It would absolutely make my evening if you would dance with me,” he said.  My friends pushed me to him, knowing this may help relieve me of Coby frustration.  I did not have a good time dancing with him.  He was pretty forceful, pushing me up with his leg in between mine… it was gross.  I made an excuse and left.

Not 20 minutes later, another guy approached me asking to dance.  I said YOLO and danced with him for a while.  He had such a creepy smile, and crazy eyes.  Out of nowhere he leans in,

“Can I kiss you?” he whispered.  NO WAY.  I told him John was my boyfriend, and that he’d be sad if I kissed someone else.  Call me the queen of excuses, I made one quick and left.

After that I was done dancing with guys.  I hung out with all the girls instead, it was super fun.  Suddenly this really cute guy approached me.  Was he going to ask to dance?

“Let me introduce you to my roommate,” he said.  To my surprise, he takes me over to a girl dancing on top the bar.  I hopped up on the bar with her and danced for a while… until she attempted to twerk with me!  No way – this is too much. I continued dancing on the bar top though, and eventually convinced some of the other girl interns to join me.

I should be embarrassed about this whole fiasco, but I’m totally not. Screw guys – Coby gave me a great reason to hate guys and sware off them for a good long time. The really hard part is gonna be my self esteem – I almost said yes to a threesome!  Gross.  Who am I.

Make out buddy

Make out buddies.  I want one.  No relationship, no sex, just a casual make out session and a snuggle now and then.

How do I go about getting one?  Every time I find a potential target, I freak out about it, and then they get the impression that I have a crazy crush on them and/or that I’m either madly in love with them (and they get all weirded out and run away), or that I want to “hook up” in the meaning of making sex (and then I’m a tease).

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In the words of Lena Dunham:  “I don’t even want a boyfriend.  I just want someone who wants to hang out all the time and thinks I’m the best person in the world and wants to have sex with only me.’

Adults can have fun too

Friday night I went to happy hour at a microbrewery called Dogfish-head with a bunch of the Post-Docs from my hallway.  It’s so crazy to finally feel like an adult!  I’m used to seeing these people in such a professional manner, always being on my best behavior and watching how I think, talk, and act.  But this time it was so different.  We were just a bunch of friends hanging out at a bar.  Dr. Smith, Dr. Tracy, and Dr. Williams disappeared to Karin, John, and David.  I’ve never experienced seeing my superiors as peers – and having fun with them!  I thought the evening was going to be an uptight, official gathering to discuss work and research.  Instead it was a table full of friends hanging out, guys flirting with girls, girls gossiping and giggling, friends picking on each other, and coworkers laughing at their bosses.  It was awesome.

Friends on my side

Last week I told Wendy about Coby… but only the shorthand version.  Basically that I had a mini crush on him and that I was hoping for a snuggle session before the summer ends.  Her response was “Cady, I don’t like this guy.  Stop liking him”.  I am so happy she said that.  The fact that she took the time to say exactly what she was thinking, regardless of how it would make me feel.  That’s what true friendship is all about.  She said that this guy was nothing compared to Andrew, and that I didn’t break up with Andrew to go make-out with guys much less worthy than him.  She told me to forget about boys, but when I do think about boys to keep my bar set high.  She knows absolutely nothing about Coby, and yet she’s in my corner of the ring fighting for my best interests (even when I’m not even fighting for my own best interests).

I remember one time that I got so angry with Wendy about this girl who I didn’t like.  Her name was Marge.  To make a long story very, very short, Marge and I didn’t get along.  It lead to a rather immature Facebook fight, posting back and forth and saying silly things to each other.  What made me so angry wasn’t Marge, but the fact that Wendy (or any other of my close friends at the time) didn’t stick up for me.  They told me to my face that they didn’t like Marge either, but no one got on their computer and liked any of my comments, or even said to my face that I was in the right about the whole thing.  In retrospect, I probably wasn’t in the right, and I do understand why my friends didn’t jump onto their computers and join in behind me.  It was a silly argument, and pretty dumb to get into a Facebook fight about.  I was just so angry that my friends wouldn’t dismiss this girl simply because I didn’t like her.  They weren’t direct friends with her, but I wanted them to snub her the second she even approached them.  The thing that bothered me was this quote about friendship – “a true friend supports you and sticks on your side, even when you’re clearly in the wrong”  Now I’m realizing that this isn’t true… it’s not about being right and wrong.  What matters most is loyalty.  You should never confuse loyalty with petty arguments about “who’s on who’s side”.  In the end, Wendy has my back.  It was her (wise) decision to stay out of this silly argument between I and Marge.  However when an issue matters, like this thing with Andrew and Coby, she has her opinion and she’s going to fight for what she knows is best for me.

I don’t need no man

I’m feeling much better about my life.  Two big things happened and now I’m in a pretty good mood!

1)  I had a really good time with my friend Autumn.  Two days ago, her and Coby and I went to a park.  He practiced lacrosse while I taught her how to play tennis.  Later he came over and we played tennis against each other, but instead of a racket he used his lacrosse stick.  Then Autumn and I went exploring in this pretty little stream and woods behind the park, and then played on the playground swinging on the swings.  We had so much fun that Autumn and I went back to the park with some of our other friends and played volleyball (this time Coby didn’t come with us).  I was surprised how much I didn’t care that Coby wasn’t there!  After the park, Autumn and I had a great time gossiping and sharing secrets, bonding the ways that girls do.  We ate some cheesecake because it was her birthday.  We’re going out this weekend to celebrate.  I had such a good time with her, and afterwards we kept texting (wow spellchecker is telling me that “texting” isn’t a word).  Anyways, she told me how she met some guy on Tinder and how he invited her to go to a boat party, and that she almost said yes.  I made fun of her for being into pirates.  I tweeted part of our conversation and got 4 favorites!  I feel so popular.  Then she tweeted “I may have texted @CaitieMaz more than I’ve ever texted any boy. Sole mates who wear the same shoe size.”  This was such an awesome feeling.  It’s not quite the same intense exhilaration of kissing a guy for the first time, but it also doesn’t come with that sinking knowledge that the feeling is ephemeral.  It’s the steady happiness of knowing that I’ve made a new friend.

2)  I found out that Coby doesn’t hate me.  I talked to his friend about the whole situation.  Basically he really likes me, it’s just he doesn’t know where to go from there.  We only have a week left in this program before we’ll probably never see each other again.  I’m just getting out of a long term relationship, and for my sake he doesn’t want to do anything or start anything that I might regret later.  Also neither one of us really “hook up” with people, but we also definitely don’t want to date, so what else is there?  Personally I’d love a good snuggle/make-out session or two before we part our separate ways, but I’m not sure how he feels about it.  Bottom line is that all the weirdness has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the tricky situation at hand.  His way of dealing with the strange circumstances is to ignore me and avoid it all.  I don’t even know what I want with the whole thing, so I can’t really blame him for being confused.  Basically all this stress and strangeness isn’t really worth it after all.  My roommate is going away this weekend so mabey I’ll invite him over for a cuddle session.  If he says yes, then awesome.  If he says no, then fine that’s cool I’m not gonna stress over it.

I’m happy all this is happening, because it’s showing me that boys really aren’t worth all this nonsense.  All of my worrying and over-analyzing and misery for what – a single make-out session?  It’s totally not worth it.  (And mabey I’m being naive for just wanting a make-out session.  Most guys would want to go all the way, which I’m totally NOT cool with, and then all the stress is for a make-out session followed by a really awkward moment where I push him away and leave…)  Anyways, I’m in a good mood today and I’m gonna do my best to keep it this way 🙂

College is about finding the bridesmaids, not the groom.

This morning

This morning I woke up sad.  Magen is being particularly annoying, I’m 90% sure that my roommate is mad at me, the Coby situation is making me angry and self-conscious, and worst of all I’m breaking up with my best friend.  If Andrew was completely on board with the whole thing (like he was in the beginning), this would be a lot easier.  Right now the hardest part is the thought that I hurt him so badly, when all he’s been to me is perfect and wonderful.  Of course I’m sad at the situation in general, but what’s killing me is picturing him sitting at home upset and confused.  I love him, and the very last thing I want to do is hurt him.