Cody still owes me $20 from the crab feast. I’ve texted him several times. No response. I know he lives all the way in NC, but he could easily mail me the money. If he was a friend I’d just let it go, but since he’s an immature asshole I’ve decided to go crazy bitch and demand the money. If he doesn’t pay up soon, I will change from crazy bitch to mafia boss and cap his knees clean off.
people
5 Seconds
After I got home, I went back to the hotel room to hang out with the interns. I learned a new party trick – how to snap a bottle cap and make it fly across the room. I was really frustrated though, as Coby was blatantly ignoring me. He flirts with me for a month straight, and yet makes zero moves. I was giving him hint after hint that I was into it, and still nothing. Now he refuses to acknowledge the fact that I exist? I was so annoyed that I finally confronted him.
“Coby – what is happening between us? I know there was a thing, we even talked about it, but now you’re pretending like I don’t exist and I don’t know what’s going on,” I said.
“What do you want from me? You have/had a boyfriend, the summer is almost over, what’s the point of dealing with all of this?” he replied.
“We don’t have to define it, I don’t even want to date you. But I like you and you like me, and we have two weeks left together, let’s just see what happens and have fun,” I told him.
His reply was to act as if he had no idea what I was taking about. He went on about how he’s a very flirty person, and that I probably got the wrong idea, that he doesn’t like me. By the way that’s complete bull shit, because we’d had multiple conversations specifically about liking each other.
“You can’t deny that you flirt more with me than anyone else. You straight up told me you had feelings for me. We cuddled on the couch, we laughed, we talked, we had a genuine connection. Now you’re pretending like that never happened, and you’re treating me like I don’t exist, and it’s really frustrating!”
“What do you want me to do – give you 100% of my attention? Not talk to anyone else but you?” he shot back.
I was so annoyed, I didn’t even know what to say. But I knew we had a connection, and part of me still wanted him, even for only 2 weeks. Even if he was being so incredibly stupid. After all, he was only 18, possibly all of this nonsense was simply immaturity or inexperience. I gave him an ultimatum.
“Coby, forget the bull shit – you have exactly 5 seconds to either kiss me, or walk away. If you walk, I will not hate you, we can go back to being friends just like before.”
5 seconds pass.
He stands there like an idiot, too much of a pansy to make a decision. If he didn’t want a thing with me I’d respect for him for that. All he needed to do was to act on what he wanted.
But he didn’t kiss me. And he didn’t walk away. So I did.
I still have no idea what his deal was, and I probably never will. Rumor had it he was planning on getting back together with an ex. Someone else said he was too scared to act on anything, and the ex was an excuse. Whatever the case, he missed his chance and I’m done.
One of my other intern friends, John, knew him pretty well, and knew me pretty well, and was helping me through this. John’s opinion was that Coby was a young immature idiot, too stupid to realize what a bombshell I was. As the night went on John got more and more drunk, and his helpful advice turned into hitting on me, which turned into inviting me into a threesome with him and his girlfriend. The scary thing is that I was so upset about all of it, I almost said yes! I doubt I would have actually gone through with it, but the fact that I even considered it… Oh god.
The next morning (Saturday) I didn’t wake up until 2:30pm. That night I went to a club for a fellow intern’s birthday. I made sure to look super hot to force myself to forget about Coby. Some guy in his late 30s approached me,
“It would absolutely make my evening if you would dance with me,” he said. My friends pushed me to him, knowing this may help relieve me of Coby frustration. I did not have a good time dancing with him. He was pretty forceful, pushing me up with his leg in between mine… it was gross. I made an excuse and left.
Not 20 minutes later, another guy approached me asking to dance. I said YOLO and danced with him for a while. He had such a creepy smile, and crazy eyes. Out of nowhere he leans in,
“Can I kiss you?” he whispered. NO WAY. I told him John was my boyfriend, and that he’d be sad if I kissed someone else. Call me the queen of excuses, I made one quick and left.
After that I was done dancing with guys. I hung out with all the girls instead, it was super fun. Suddenly this really cute guy approached me. Was he going to ask to dance?
“Let me introduce you to my roommate,” he said. To my surprise, he takes me over to a girl dancing on top the bar. I hopped up on the bar with her and danced for a while… until she attempted to twerk with me! No way – this is too much. I continued dancing on the bar top though, and eventually convinced some of the other girl interns to join me.
I should be embarrassed about this whole fiasco, but I’m totally not. Screw guys – Coby gave me a great reason to hate guys and sware off them for a good long time. The really hard part is gonna be my self esteem – I almost said yes to a threesome! Gross. Who am I.
Make out buddy
Make out buddies. I want one. No relationship, no sex, just a casual make out session and a snuggle now and then.
How do I go about getting one? Every time I find a potential target, I freak out about it, and then they get the impression that I have a crazy crush on them and/or that I’m either madly in love with them (and they get all weirded out and run away), or that I want to “hook up” in the meaning of making sex (and then I’m a tease).
A;LDSKFJ;OFKDJNV.ZKJDFHGAORITJKRNLZKCNV;OIAU;LKTNAR,MTNA;SHFV;AILWT
In the words of Lena Dunham: “I don’t even want a boyfriend. I just want someone who wants to hang out all the time and thinks I’m the best person in the world and wants to have sex with only me.’
Adults can have fun too
Friday night I went to happy hour at a microbrewery called Dogfish-head with a bunch of the Post-Docs from my hallway. It’s so crazy to finally feel like an adult! I’m used to seeing these people in such a professional manner, always being on my best behavior and watching how I think, talk, and act. But this time it was so different. We were just a bunch of friends hanging out at a bar. Dr. Smith, Dr. Tracy, and Dr. Williams disappeared to Karin, John, and David. I’ve never experienced seeing my superiors as peers – and having fun with them! I thought the evening was going to be an uptight, official gathering to discuss work and research. Instead it was a table full of friends hanging out, guys flirting with girls, girls gossiping and giggling, friends picking on each other, and coworkers laughing at their bosses. It was awesome.
Friends on my side
Last week I told Wendy about Coby… but only the shorthand version. Basically that I had a mini crush on him and that I was hoping for a snuggle session before the summer ends. Her response was “Cady, I don’t like this guy. Stop liking him”. I am so happy she said that. The fact that she took the time to say exactly what she was thinking, regardless of how it would make me feel. That’s what true friendship is all about. She said that this guy was nothing compared to Andrew, and that I didn’t break up with Andrew to go make-out with guys much less worthy than him. She told me to forget about boys, but when I do think about boys to keep my bar set high. She knows absolutely nothing about Coby, and yet she’s in my corner of the ring fighting for my best interests (even when I’m not even fighting for my own best interests).
I remember one time that I got so angry with Wendy about this girl who I didn’t like. Her name was Marge. To make a long story very, very short, Marge and I didn’t get along. It lead to a rather immature Facebook fight, posting back and forth and saying silly things to each other. What made me so angry wasn’t Marge, but the fact that Wendy (or any other of my close friends at the time) didn’t stick up for me. They told me to my face that they didn’t like Marge either, but no one got on their computer and liked any of my comments, or even said to my face that I was in the right about the whole thing. In retrospect, I probably wasn’t in the right, and I do understand why my friends didn’t jump onto their computers and join in behind me. It was a silly argument, and pretty dumb to get into a Facebook fight about. I was just so angry that my friends wouldn’t dismiss this girl simply because I didn’t like her. They weren’t direct friends with her, but I wanted them to snub her the second she even approached them. The thing that bothered me was this quote about friendship – “a true friend supports you and sticks on your side, even when you’re clearly in the wrong” Now I’m realizing that this isn’t true… it’s not about being right and wrong. What matters most is loyalty. You should never confuse loyalty with petty arguments about “who’s on who’s side”. In the end, Wendy has my back. It was her (wise) decision to stay out of this silly argument between I and Marge. However when an issue matters, like this thing with Andrew and Coby, she has her opinion and she’s going to fight for what she knows is best for me.
I don’t need no man
I’m feeling much better about my life. Two big things happened and now I’m in a pretty good mood!
1) I had a really good time with my friend Autumn. Two days ago, her and Coby and I went to a park. He practiced lacrosse while I taught her how to play tennis. Later he came over and we played tennis against each other, but instead of a racket he used his lacrosse stick. Then Autumn and I went exploring in this pretty little stream and woods behind the park, and then played on the playground swinging on the swings. We had so much fun that Autumn and I went back to the park with some of our other friends and played volleyball (this time Coby didn’t come with us). I was surprised how much I didn’t care that Coby wasn’t there! After the park, Autumn and I had a great time gossiping and sharing secrets, bonding the ways that girls do. We ate some cheesecake because it was her birthday. We’re going out this weekend to celebrate. I had such a good time with her, and afterwards we kept texting (wow spellchecker is telling me that “texting” isn’t a word). Anyways, she told me how she met some guy on Tinder and how he invited her to go to a boat party, and that she almost said yes. I made fun of her for being into pirates. I tweeted part of our conversation and got 4 favorites! I feel so popular. Then she tweeted “I may have texted @CaitieMaz more than I’ve ever texted any boy. Sole mates who wear the same shoe size.” This was such an awesome feeling. It’s not quite the same intense exhilaration of kissing a guy for the first time, but it also doesn’t come with that sinking knowledge that the feeling is ephemeral. It’s the steady happiness of knowing that I’ve made a new friend.
2) I found out that Coby doesn’t hate me. I talked to his friend about the whole situation. Basically he really likes me, it’s just he doesn’t know where to go from there. We only have a week left in this program before we’ll probably never see each other again. I’m just getting out of a long term relationship, and for my sake he doesn’t want to do anything or start anything that I might regret later. Also neither one of us really “hook up” with people, but we also definitely don’t want to date, so what else is there? Personally I’d love a good snuggle/make-out session or two before we part our separate ways, but I’m not sure how he feels about it. Bottom line is that all the weirdness has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the tricky situation at hand. His way of dealing with the strange circumstances is to ignore me and avoid it all. I don’t even know what I want with the whole thing, so I can’t really blame him for being confused. Basically all this stress and strangeness isn’t really worth it after all. My roommate is going away this weekend so mabey I’ll invite him over for a cuddle session. If he says yes, then awesome. If he says no, then fine that’s cool I’m not gonna stress over it.
I’m happy all this is happening, because it’s showing me that boys really aren’t worth all this nonsense. All of my worrying and over-analyzing and misery for what – a single make-out session? It’s totally not worth it. (And mabey I’m being naive for just wanting a make-out session. Most guys would want to go all the way, which I’m totally NOT cool with, and then all the stress is for a make-out session followed by a really awkward moment where I push him away and leave…) Anyways, I’m in a good mood today and I’m gonna do my best to keep it this way 🙂
College is about finding the bridesmaids, not the groom.
This morning
This morning I woke up sad. Magen is being particularly annoying, I’m 90% sure that my roommate is mad at me, the Coby situation is making me angry and self-conscious, and worst of all I’m breaking up with my best friend. If Andrew was completely on board with the whole thing (like he was in the beginning), this would be a lot easier. Right now the hardest part is the thought that I hurt him so badly, when all he’s been to me is perfect and wonderful. Of course I’m sad at the situation in general, but what’s killing me is picturing him sitting at home upset and confused. I love him, and the very last thing I want to do is hurt him.
I don’t deserve this
Andrew and I talked on the phone again. We further discussed the terms of the break, or break up, or pause, or whatever. Basically we’re going to break up for a semester, and see how things go from there. I’m still in a state of shock about the matter. When reality hits me I’m sure I’ll regard this as the biggest mistake of my life.
I’m officially fed up with Coby. I was talking to a friend the other day, who said Coby showed her boyfriend some texts that we had exchanged about liking each other. Apparently Coby was happy that I liked him back, and was bragging about it. This makes me very angry. I don’t so much care that he told his friend about it, but what bothers me is that he refuses to make any first moves with me, is completely distant and pretends to not like me, and then uses me as a bragging piece to his friends. If he’s so happy that I like him back, why doesn’t he freaking do something about it and kiss me! I have so many dumb unrealistic dreams about us snuggling under the stars, talking about life. I don’t actually like him that much, it’d just be nice to have a summer fling rebound to get my mind off of Andrew. It’s so so annoying, because I know he likes me, and I’ve made so many first moves and excuses to see each other and reasons to start texting conversations. Even once I make a move he reciprocates, and he’s always flirting with me, finding excuses to touch me, etc etc. It just really pisses me off because it’s not moving past flirty conversation and I’m getting impatient. I thought I was a pretty cool chick. I think I’m pretty, fun, funny, and more, but when he treats me like this it makes me feel awful on the inside. I should have guys chasing after me, not the other way around.
This whole situation wrecks my self-esteem. I hate how little self confidence I have. I think good things about myself, but I don’t know them. As soon as someone gives me any slight reason to doubt myself, I believe them in a heartbeat. This is what I was saying before about drug addicts. This little game with Coby, I hate it so so much. I’ve spent countless hours in misery because of all this shit, yet I keep going back for more. I can’t get over the rush of when he finally smiles at me, or puts his hand on my back. It’s a wonderful and terrible thing. The worst part about all this is how low it makes me feel afterwards. I’m being rejected by a 19 year old! Mabey I’m not as pretty or cool or funny as I thought… shouldn’t someone be lucky to have me return their affection? I feel like I’m constantly fighting for the approval of others, and never the other way around. People tell me all the time that they’re sure guys are constantly throwing themselves at me. Well guess what – they’re not.
There’s this other girl in our group, Magen. She’s kind of annoying. She tries way too hard to get people to like her and to think she’s cool (even to the point of pushing others down). Coby has even told me multiple times about how he thinks she’s annoying. And yet – he gives her more attention than he gives me! I don’t understand! He talks to her more, laughs at her more, jokes around with her more, and texts her more. It makes me so angry and confused and frustrated. I’m so done with this shit. Screw Coby, I never liked him that much anyways.
Cocktails
This weekend has been a cocktail of awkward and wonderful and miserable. That statement pretty accurately describes my life in general. Andrew came over this past Thursday. We talked a lot in person about our feelings and such. We went out to dinner first. I couldn’t help thinking the entire time that this was the “last supper”. It was hard to even look at him without crying. Am I a complete idiot for ending this? We’re great together, we love each other, respect each other, and there aren’t any major problems or concerns… I just don’t feel like dealing with a relationship right now. It’s a lot of time and emotion that goes into it, and at this point in my life I’d rather worry about myself for a while. I have the rest of my life to get married and have kids and commit to a serious relationship. Right now I just wanna fly.
I’ve never experienced, or even heard of someone else experiencing, a situation where a relationship is ended for topics completely outside of the relationship. Maybe we shouldn’t be breaking up. I wish there was some way to continue dating without being so serious. It’s such a painful situation. I couldn’t even say the words “break up” to his face. We talked again on the phone this morning. He said all this limbo and indecision was getting too difficult. He said he just needed a decision so he could deal accordingly. So far we’ve basically agreed to break up… but we’re gonna specify “details” tomorrow (how long are we not gonna talk to each other, will we ever see each other, etc).
In other news, Coby replied to that text finally. His battery had died so it took him till the next day. We hung out yesterday. A bunch of us watched a movie together. We sat next to each other and snuggled under a blanket; it was nice. After that Coby and another friend and I went up to someone else’s room. They were having a party. I like going to parties and meeting new people. I also really like beer pong, even though I don’t drink the beer. I just like throwing the pingpong balls. Around 2am everyone started to leave, and Coby walked me back to my room. We ended up standing outside the door for another half hour, just talking. Finally we decided to go to bed. He still hasn’t kissed me.
I understand how drug addicts function. I hate the boy game. There’s so much awkwardness, torture, disappointment, frustration… it’s so not worth it. It causes so much misery. So much emotion. The dread of waiting for a text, worrying if you said the right thing, wondering how the other person is feeling or what they’re thinking – its completely horrible. Yet I consistently go back for more. That moment when he finally looks at you… smiles… holds your hand… kisses you… there’s nothing in the entire world more exhilarating! No matter how awful the road was to this point, I will always go back for more. I’d spend weeks of frustration for twenty minutes of bliss.
I have too many feelings. I’m going for a run.
(Almost) Midnight thoughts
Thought #1: Aunt Irma came today. This is probably a huge reason why I’ve been so emotional today. Good news is that now I can treat myself with a nice cup of coffee tomorrow. The hotel where I’m staying has free “coffee” available to guests (notice that I put coffee in twin flying commas.) I can only justify spending money on tasty coffee ever so often, and Aunt Irma time is one of those times.
Thought #2: I saw Coby. I went home to visit with my family for a while, and when I came back to the hotel I brought my doggie Pingie Bear to come meet everyone. Coby was here with the rest of our friend group. He was talking to me as if everything was normal; I tried to act the same. I’m not sure where we stand. Are we just friends, or “flirty friends”, or are we doing a summer fling? I have no freaking idea.
Goodnight.
cadythinks 