Working out
Chick-fil-a sauce
Loud music
Doggies
Being outside
A clean house
Hot showers
America’s Funniest Home Videos
Warm mug of coffee
Cold glass of iced tea
Playing tennis
Snuggling with friends
Anything Autumn (apple cider, hay rides, pumpkins, crunching leaves)
Warm chocolate cookies
Is rebounding healthy? I think so… but mabey I only think so because I always do it.
Some background: After Paulo (the two year boyfriend I had in high school) there was Clark. Clark was at least a foot shorter than me, completely out of my league in the downwards direction, and so into me. This last quality stuck out above all others. Don’t get me wrong, Clark was a cool guy. He was on a competitive rock-climbing team, he was funny, and he was distant enough that it always kept me wanting more. The reason I know that he was a rebound was because looking back at the whole situation, I would have never been interested in this guy if I hadn’t just broken up with Paulo. I am incredibly dependent on the approval and positive feedback of others. Breakups leave me with little to no self-confidence, and an extremely empty emotional hole. I instantly cling to the first source of appreciation I can find. After Paulo, this source was Clark. I was obsessed. At that time I carpooled to school with his best friend, and I would bother him about Clark the entire ride, every morning. “Does he like me?” “I really like him but don’t tell him!” “Can you feel him out and see what he says about me?” “What should I do, he’s not making the first move, should I??” The worst part was that the guy wasn’t even that into me. He said one single passing comment to one of my girlfriends about how he thought I was cool, and I just took it and ran.
Well what do you know – It’s happening again. I realize that it’s happening, and I can’t even stop it. I’m living in another town for the summer with a bunch of interns from all over the country. There’s this guy Coby. He’s funny, has beautiful eyes, a great taste in music, and is (or was) totally into me. He was also born in 1995 – the same year my little sister was born. He’s also at about that same maturity level. Getting mad at dumb things, flirting with me then complaining to other people about how I won’t stop flirting with him. Stupid stuff. But the very same week that Andrew and I started falling apart, someone told me he liked me. And I was hooked. Logically, I have absolutely no reason to like this guy. Apparently logic doesn’t matter. I literally cannot stop thinking about it! We snuggled on the couch one time and now I’m acting like he’s the most glorious thing to ever happen to me all summer! I’m constantly thinking about him, re-reading and analyzing our texts, strategically planning how to see him next, and worrying that I might be coming on too strong or not strong enough. It’s miserable. The worst part is that I realize that I don’t actually like this guy. He’s not even that attractive!
Mabey I do this because I’d rather dwell on meaningless crushes than think about important stuff like Andrew. When I’m obsessing over Cody, the Andrew situation doesn’t even enter my mind. It’s like the one topic in my life that has the ability to block out all Andrew-related thoughts and worries and depression. Or mabey I’m just crazy.
On top of everything, I think I really screwed it up by confronting Cody about our non-existing “relationship”. I’m a mess. Below are the texts we exchanged last night. This whole situation just makes me feel so awful on the inside. I’m being turned down by a 19 year old! This sucks. I hate everything. Except for loud music. I like loud music.
Me: I hate you
Coby: Woah now! That’s pretty harsh. Why do you claim you hate me?
Me: I was gonna tell you. But you left.
Coby: Yeah I’m about to go to bed. I can’t stay there forever! Why do you hate me? Also, hate is such a harsh word. It requires effort. You have to actively hate someone. It’s not a passive thing. I believe you may strongly dislike me, but I find it hard to believe you hate me.
Me: Lol I know I’m gonna sleep soon too. Ugh fine I don’t HATE you. But I strongly dislike you.
Coby: And the reason for this impassioned disgust and dismay is?
Me: You can’t do around flirting with people, and then behind their back complain about them flirting with you!
Coby: Alright I only complained cause I was getting frustrated and I really wanted my ball back. I’m sorry that I said that and that I made you mad. I got frustrated over something that wasn’t a big deal and I apologize
Me: Well if you would have just asked for it seriously I’d have given it to you :p But don’t flirt with people if you don’t want them to flirt back! It’s too confusing. But I’m not just talking about flirting. I also mean snuggling on couches… etc…
Coby: Listen, I just said that cause I wanted the ball and I wanted to go to bed. And I just don’t know what you want from me. You have a boyfriend and I don’t want to get in the way of that.
Me: Okayyy I beleive you. Oh yeah that boyfriend situation. We broke up like a month ago.
Coby: A month ago? We hung out that night maybe two weeks ago and you were still dating… But, the question still stands; what exactly do you want from me?
Me: Yeah it’s a weird situation. We see eachother still… but we’re not dating. We officially “broke up” like a month ago, but it’s taken a few weeks to get our shit together. What do you mean what do I want?
Coby: Like I don’t necessarily know where you want it to go. You know? Do you want to be flirty friends? Or do you want to hook up? Or do you want something serious? Like I don’t know what is necessarily a good idea given your situation and mine. I’m not one to just hook up with people a whole lot, and you don’t seem like one who does that either. But taking it to a more serious level is not good either because there’s 2 and a half weeks left of summer and then we may never see each other again. You know?
Me: Yea no I totally agree with that. I’m not much for hooking up either, and I definitely don’t want to date or anything… But I like you and you like me (I think?) and we have two weeks so why not hang out while we can? Just as friends, but we don’t have to keep it totalllyyyy platonic
And then he didn’t reply back………
His exact comment was “Why are all the good ones taken??” Well that was extremely flattering. I triggered something inside of me… something that gave me that final push to do something about the discontent between Andrew and I. Coby wasn’t the reason for our break up. He was the final straw on the camel’s back.
One night I was over Coby’s place late into the night. We just sat and talked, which turned into sitting closer and closer, which turned into snuggling, which almost turned into a kiss. He asked about Andrew. I told him “things are complicated”. He said he wanted to kiss me. He said that he didn’t want to kiss me. He said he didn’t want me to do anything I’d regret later. He asked what I wanted. I asked if he had ever really, really, wanted a cookie – but knew that he shouldn’t because he had just worked out that day. He said he understood.
I was still with Andrew – I was cheating on Andrew. How could I ever do something so awful to someone I loved so much? Years of suppressed desires will do that to a person. It took this moment with Coby for me to realize this. If there are issues, they must be dealt with. Band-Aids just cause deeper wounds. The wounds and problems and feelings get worse and worse, and you can’t even see how bad things are because you refuse to acknowledge they exist at all. In our case, these weren’t feelings or issues within our relationship, but within ourselves. You can’t truly be satisfied or happy with a person if you’re not satisfied or happy with yourself.
The next day I called Andrew. I didn’t tell him about Coby because I didn’t want him to think that these feelings were coming from wanting to be with another person. I liked Coby, but deep down I knew that Coby was just a sign to myself that something had to be done. It wasn’t about the boy, it was about me. Andrew and I talked for a long time. We decided not to make any final decisions right then, but we also acknowledged that a breakup was inevitable. If we give each other space now that we need it, mabey we can continue a friendship for the next few years until we’re both ready for a serious and committed relationship. If we try to force it now we might end up hating each other for it. I talked to my dad on the phone. He helped me to gather my feelings. This is the first time I’ve ever asked my dad for boy advice – he’s actually a really awesome person to talk to about this. He even sent me the names of a few breakup songs to help me feel better (including “Love Stinks” by the J. Geils Band). Andrew and I are seeing each other in a few days, we’ll pull the trigger then…
cadythinks 