Neb

I never thought I’d be saying this AGAIN… but there’s another guy.  What is wrong with me.  His name is Neb.  I know it’s a silly name, but I can’t think of anything better to call him.  I first met him at tennis last year, but never really talked to him until this semester.

Two weeks into the semester we hung out for the first time, manning the tennis booth at Student Involvement Day.  We ditched the table to get some free french fries, talked for an hour about school, jobs, life, and crappy french fries, and I was hooked ever since.

About a month later, I mentioned to Marie that I thought he was cute.  She replied with – “OMG he totally likes you!”.  That was the moment I became obsessed with Neb.  I can’t stop thinking about him!  He’s an adorable white boy, a cross between a prep and a nerd, quiet, yet talkative to a few.  I can’t stop myself from looking forward to seeing him every night at practice.  I get sadder than I should when he doesn’t show.  I made it my mission to talk to him, to get to know him a little better.

One night as I was leaving the courts, I found a ball outside in the grass and picked it up to throw back into the basket.  Neb turned around and saw me with my arm up about the throw the ball, and thought I was waving to him.  He waved back, then realized I wasn’t waving, and I shouted “I’m not waving at you, ya weirdo!”.  The most adorable embarassed-happy-smile spread across his face.  I soon found myself plotting to hang out with him outside of practice.  My plan was flawless:

I set myself up to play on his doubles team one practice.  After asking what classes he was taking, I discovered he took Statistics a few semesters ago.  I made a passing comment about how I’m struggling in the class.  The next day, we found ourselves walking to the parking lot together.  I mentioned I had a statistics exam the next day, and that I was really worried about it (*HINT HINT*).  He took the hint.  We agreed to meet up at 7am the next morning so he could help me with the class and lend me a calculator.  It’s always crazy seeing tennis people outside of tennis.  He looked so nice!  And smelled even better.

On my way to class I ran into him again in the coffee line.  I said “Oh my gosh hi again!”, he said “You can’t seem to get rid of me, can you?”.  I made it to my 8am class in time.  An hour later, I got a text from him – here’s the conversation:

Neb:  This page/video explains continuity correction pretty clearly if you’re worried about it *website*

Me: Ahh you’re awesome thanks so much!  Fml just spilled half my coffee straight down my shirt. I’m am 100% dropping out of school now 😞

Neb:  😭😭 Ughh that’s the worst. Do you have another shirt? My prof called me a genius in class this morning so I might last another week.

Me: Nope lol 😦 Well he’s not wrong! Haha why did he say that?

Neb: Is your shirt stained? We were just translating a section of Caesar’s Gallic War narrative in class and he tried to translate ahead of the section we had prepared but he confused the subject and the objects of the paragraph which confused everyone but I had been up since 5 so I explained what Caesar was saying. I can just see the employers lining up for an Econ major who reads Latin- such a useful skill these days 😂

Me: Yeah lol but the plad pattern basically covers it up 🙏🏼 Hahaha that’s awesome though – you could fill out the Roman Empires tax returns.  Damn now that you’re a super genius you’re gonna start upping the price of tutoring sessions  😢

Neb:  Haha I hope I never have to do tax accounting but I hear that roman taxes were pretty straightforward so maybe 😜 lol its not going to my head. I’m probably going to end up dropping one of my classes this semester, I’ve never felt so stupid in my life.

Me: I know what you mean. Last year I got two Cs and dropped a class in the same semester… First time getting Cs or dropping a class ever 😕 Don’t feel stupid though, it happens to everyone.  And the ppl it doesn’t happen to are the ones who have zero life outside of classes (which sucks)

Neb:  Yeah, class discussion periods are always a confidence booster… I know the sample (people who talk in class) is somewhat skewed to toward the stupid people, but it’s pretty shocking how many of them there are in college.

*Ryan Gosling Meme saying “You got this”*     Don’t let Ryan gosling down 😜

Me:  Hahahaha I will definitely ace this exam now 😂 Ahhh t-minus half an hour I’m gonna die 💀

Neb:  T minus 30 you’re going to rock that test’s world and 15 years from now that test will be telling it’s friends about you 😉

 

This entire conversation is amazing.  He’s never this talkative!  I’m so mad at myself though about how it ended.  I texted him back (something about loving his pre-exam pep talk), and the message never sent!  At this point it’s too late to re-send it… so I guess I’ll have to live with him thinking I never responded *sad face*

I’m such a weird I’ve been thinking about this all day.  I was looking forward to tennis all day yesterday, but he never came.  Hopefully he’ll be there today.

I’m so frustrated with how easily I fall in love with people.  Okay, so I’m not in love with Neb (obviously).  But I honestly feel like anyone who I get to know well enough I’ll eventually love!  It’s just a matter of who’s the best person for me.  Andrew is no doubt amazing.  But what if Neb and I would work out better?  All the possibilities in life really drive me crazy.

 

What’s this thing called self control?

So remember that phone call I made to Bobby?  And that super duper uber promise that I made myself to not date anyone for a good long while?  It was like the 5th time I promised myself… but this time I meant it!  Or at least I thought I did.

I invited Bobby to come hang out with some of my friends who live in the apartment complex down the street.  We all hung out, played cards, got drunk (well I don’t really get drunk… but tipsy in the least). Anyways, at the end of the night Bobby was going back to his friend’s place to crash for the night, and I invited him to just come back to my place instead.  I told him how I knew it was breaking all our promises, but we wouldn’t do any funny business, we would literally just sleep.  And that’s exactly what happened… except not exactly.

A promise to yourself is the most fragile of promises.  I think of it like opening a bottle of soda.  I promise myself that I won’t drink the soda.  But it’s lovely to look at the soda.  And perhaps if I were to only unscrew the top, just enough to hear that satisfying hiss of gas whizzing out of the pressurized bottle… that’s not breaking my promise, right?  The cap is still on!  Well now that the seal is broken, it wouldn’t be that bad to unscrew it all the way off.  The bottle sits in front of me, no cap, and I decide that letting it sit would be a waste, so I drink to soda.  Oops.  Breaking a promise to yourself doesn’t just include the action that actually broke the promise.  The breaking happens with that initial unscrew of the cap, and once the seal is broken (before the soda is even consumed), the promise is broken.

Bobby sleeping over that night was like hearing that hiss of a broken seal.  Even though we didn’t do anything that specifically violated my self-contract, it sure as hell got the ball rolling.  The next night he slept over again, because we’d already done it once and it was fine, so why not, right?  He slept over 6 times that week.  The last 5 times, we did so much more than sleep.  Oops.

I can’t keep myself off of him!  Seriously, hooking up with Bobby is like skydiving with a mouthful of PopRocks (And just for the record, hooking up to me means everything but actual sex).  Seriously, the chemistry between us is breathtaking.  I have no idea how we haven’t had sex yet.  The main thing holding myself off him is the fact I’m not on birth control.  If I could get ahold of the pill without my parents knowing, it would be game over.  We kiss, he touches me, I touch him, I moan, he moans, we breathe, its like synchronized swimming.  I distinctly remember one night when things were getting particularly heated.  I’ve given Andrew a few BJs, and didn’t particularly enjoy them.  I had given one to Bobby before too, and again I didn’t like it.  But this night I decided to try it again, and I actually kinda liked it!  And he (of course) was so into it.  The whole time he was moaning “f**k yes”, which is super hot because he’s such a gentleman and never cusses.  After some more heavy kissing and touching the night came to a sort of climax, and then finally settled back down.  We lay down on the bed, out of breath actually, and Bobby exclaims “HOLLLLY SH**. Where the hell did that come from?!”.  Every time I think about that night I get butterflies!  If we ever have sex… we’re going to tear the house down.

Because I’m Happy (To the tune of the Pharrell Williams song)

My grades are dropping, I’m not doing so hot in tennis, I’m single and missing Andrew, it’s a rainy dreary day, and yet I’m happy.  Am I a crazy person?

I’ve lost most of my motivation for school – I’m not immune to the plights of college life!  Friends, parties, work, it’s all so much more enjoyable than school.  I can feel my grades dropping… and yet I don’t really care.  I’m having fun, I’m getting at least Bs so it’s not like my future is at risk, and I’m not stressing myself out to the point of breaking.  Mabey it’s time to let myself let go of perfection, and just live life.  There are so many more important things in life than getting perfect grades, being on time everywhere I go, and having money, power, and success.  I’m really good at doing school, but school isn’t what brings me joy.  Joy comes through friends, tennis, boys, food, puppies, and family.  Is focusing on what makes me happy such a sin?

Things that always make me feel better

Working out

Chick-fil-a sauce

Loud music

Doggies

Being outside

A clean house

Hot showers

America’s Funniest Home Videos

Warm mug of coffee

Cold glass of iced tea

Playing tennis

Snuggling with friends

Anything Autumn (apple cider, hay rides, pumpkins, crunching leaves)

Warm chocolate cookies