I’ve told you a little of my reservations about us… but so far I’ve been saying one thing but doing another, and that’s not good for either of us. I’ve been having feelings and trying to ignore them, because I like you so so much. But it’s beem growing on me and it’s not getting any better. Talking to my mom the other night kinda opened my eyes to it. I also talked to Kristen (my bff from home) and told her everything. She helped talk me through all this cause she knows me almost as well as my mom does.
I really like you – but the best thing for me right now is to just be friends. We should get to know each other and pursue a friendship first, then later down the road we can figure out if there’s more than just a friendship. I don’t want to lead you down a rollercoaster, dragging you along with whatever I happen to be feeling at the time. We’re a thing, we’re not a thing, we’re dating, we won’t be dating for a while… I’m confusing myself I can’t imagine how you must be feeling.
I do like you. A lot. But if we wait and get together down the road, we can enter a much stronger relationship, and we can know for sure what this is and what we want. I’ll be sure of my feelings, and know what I want. If our friendship can make it through this, (potentially one semester of school and a summer and semester away – more than a year of pure friendship), we know that we have something real. And we’ve been close friends before, I know we can go back to that, at least for a while. Focusing and growing our friendship is all I’m truly able to give you right now. Cause it’s eating me up inside knowing that I love you but that I can’t give you my all.
But all this being said, I’m really going to need your help. There will be times that I’m not going to want to do this. I may be willing to make compromises, want to go back on everything I’m saying right now, want to kiss you and date you and elope with you (lol) – but you have to put your foot down and say no. Because this is what I want for sure, I know this is what I need. If there’s going to be any chance of us having any future together, I am absolutely going to need this space to be single, grow as an individual, learn who I am and learn to love myself. I need to know who I am and love myself before I can love anyone else. If we jump into things now, things might be good for a while, but I guarantee things will end the exact same way they did with my ex (in confusion and misery and frustration). I feel something different with you. When I’m around you, when I kiss you, hold your hand, I feel things I’ve never felt with anyone before ever. But finding the right person is just as important as finding them at the right time. For me, right now is not the right time. So if you’re willing to wait, this is what I need. And I think it’ll be worth it if we do.
So what does this all mean? Hanging out is fine… but absolutely completely platonic till next semester. Then reevaluate and see where we’re at, after winter break. But the way I’m feeling right now I don’t know if I’m going to be ready by then, or how much longer I’m going to need. I do wish to pursue a friendship with you, I love being around you whether it’s platonic or not, and I love just spending time with you. But I can’t date you (or anyone) right now, and I’m so sorry it took this long for me to figure this all out.
cadythinks 