Here’s a general update on my life, since I haven’t posted in a while.
In terms of academics, my fall semester ended badly. Two Cs and a B – my worst semester yet. I’m losing motivation for school! Tennis, boys, life in general – everything is got in the way. Good news is that I’m still working in the lab, so I have that going for me.
Winter break was amazing. I’ll post more in depth about this later, but I took a trip to Iceland with one of my close friends (and some of her nursing school friends). I had such an amazing time.
As far as boys go (sorry I write so much about this – guess it’s the subject I have the most feelings about) winter was a grand transition. Most recently I left off with Bobby that I didn’t want to see him over break. I still had mixed feelings about the whole thing, and feelings for Andrew kept wondering back into my heart. A month without boys seemed to be what I needed. I was doing great with my most recent anti-male commitment through first half of January (Christmas through New Years through the Iceland vacation). Upon my return from Iceland I saw Andrew for the first time in a while. I had met up with him before and it was really forced and awkward… but this time things were different. We were in a group of our old friends, and it was so easy to talk to him and laugh with him. He drove me home. On the way home, he told me how he missed having a girlfriend. Not me specifically, but just that being single sucked. Then he asked me to be his friend with benefits, until the both of us found someone else. I didn’t tell him about Bobby. I didn’t know what to think – in all honesty, I was a little offended. How dare he not miss me! I loved being single, and any sad feelings I had about the break up was sadness from missing Andrew specifically. What he was telling me though was that he didn’t miss me, but he missed having someone, anyone, to hook up, holding hands with, and talk to. I was sad. I spent a lot of time thinking about what he was asking. I went up to his school later in January to see the lab where he was working. We went back to his place, sat on the couch, and talked for a while. That’s when it happened. He got up to use the bathroom, and I went into the kitchen to get a glass of water. As I rounded the corner back into the living room, he was apparently doing the same to get into the kitchen, and we crashed right into each other – I looked up at him to awkwardly apologize, but before I had the chance to say anything he promptly grabbed me around the waist and kissed me. My heart ignited into a thousand fireworks. He let go, looked down at the ground almost embarrassed, and mumbled “Sorry… I’ve been wanting to do that for a long time now.” It wasn’t a forced, “let’s hook-up” kind of kiss, but a passionate, love-filled expression of 5 months worth of un-resolved feelings. It was like all the sadness, heartbreak, missing, loving, caring, and desire he tried so hard to burry over the past semester just exploded out in this one involuntary kiss.
Andrew and I saw each other a few more times that month, and had two or three make-out sessions. My feelings were growing, and so were his. One night I texted him, telling him how much I missed him, and how I wanted to get back together. His response was devastating. He told me the thought of getting back together was really appealing, but he wasn’t quite sure. He needed some more time to figure out some things on his own. Of course I was upset, but this is exactly what I told him last summer, so I completely understood. I explained to him that I had a potential guy that I was thinking about seeing (Bobby). I told Andrew I didn’t want to wait around day by day seeing if he would finally come back to me. I asked him for a timeline. If Andrew felt like he’d be ready for a relationship in the next few weeks, I’d wait for him. But if it was going to be another year or another semester, I’d want to have the freedom to explore this relationship with Bobby. He told me he wouldn’t be ready for anything until at leas the end of the spring semester. With that, we parted ways.
I was hurting for (what felt like) a long time. I went through some crazy life events including a crazy roommate, a flood, and a death in the family (the topic of another blog post). Throughout this time I was seeing Bobby a lot. He asked me out to dinner for Valentines Day, and I agreed. I’m not sure if I did it out of boredom, depression, or simply because I wanted it, but I (stupidly) asked Bobby to be my boyfriend. He was ecstatic. He said it was the greatest night of his life. I was elated because he was elated.
A few days later, Andrew texted me (purely platonically) asking how things were going. I mentioned that my grandmother had died recently, to which he immediately returned my text with a phone call. He was genuinely concerned, and wanted to make sure I and my family were okay. The first words out of his mouth when he called were “when is the service, I’m coming.” He came with me the following weekend to the burial and reception. He stayed by my side the entire time. I can’t express how wonderful it was to have him next to me, supporting me through such a painful day. I never told Bobby that Andrew was at the burial with me. I wasn’t trying to hide the fact that I was with Andrew, I just didn’t want to blow the thing out of proportion. In two and a half years of dating Andrew, he grew close to me and my family. Even if we both had significant others at the time of the funeral, he would have come to support me (I think).
Andrew later asked me to go with him as his plus-1 to a banquet at the firehouse. He said it would be purely as friends, and that we wouldn’t even hook-up afterwards. I’m glad he said it, otherwise I would have had to (since at this point – not to Andrew’s knowledge – I was officially with Bobby.) The banquet went so well. It was so nice to see Andrew. We laughed together, talked, and genuinely enjoyed seeing each other. A little while into the dinner, we got up and walked around. He suddenly stopped, turned toward me, and said there was something he had to say. My heart stopped.
“Caity-Poo. I miss you. Like so much. I don’t just miss having a pretty girl to talk to and hook up with, but I miss you. I miss your smile, your laugh, your clumsiness, and your dumb corny puns. I’ve been thinking about you a lot over these past few weeks, and seeing you now in person has just confirmed all of my feelings. I still love you. I want to get back together.”
I was speechless. I was finally hearing the words that I’d been waiting for for 6 months.
Bobby didn’t even cross my mind until the following morning. I knew right away I had to end it. I saw him the next day, and told him I wasn’t really feeling it anymore. I didn’t mention that my ex had anything to do with it. He was obviously upset, but he said anything I needed to do to be happy, I deserved to be able to do it.
The next few weeks were difficult. I told Andrew that I needed some time to think things over, and he told me to take all the time I needed. I didn’t know what to do… undoubtedly I’d been waiting for Andrew this entire time, so getting back together with him was a thought I was more than happy about. But I really did like Bobby. As awful as it sounds, I made a mental pros and cons list. Here it is:
Bobby:
- Good things… Our physical chemistry is undeniable. I don’t think the english vocabulary has the words to describe what it’s like when we get together. And his endowments? Way above average. (Sorry – TMI)
- We have fun together. Drifting in the parking lot when it snows, serving tennis balls at a radar gun on the volleyball court at 3am, hanging out in hookah bars playing gin-rummy, it’s such innocent fun and I love it.
- He likes me… so much. He’s constantly telling me how much I mean to him, how I’m beautiful and funny and smart. Just being in his presence boosts my confidence.
- He’s adorable. Especially when he plays tennis. He’s so confident on the courts. I love his long hair, especially when he had it tied back with a sweatband.
- Bad things… he almost likes me too much. I can never do anything wrong. When I ask him for advice, I’m in the right no matter what I’ve said or done in the situation.
- He has no backbone. He gives into peer pressure so easily! We were at a party one time, where he kept losing a drinking game to this guy he doesn’t like. It was so clearly a peeing contest, and this other guy was plainly winning. Instead of accepting defeat in this silly game and walking away, saying “f*#$ you I’m leaving”, he kept playing, losing, and drinking. He was so drunk by the end of the night it was disgusting. He slept on my couch, I didn’t want him in my bed. I couldn’t decide if I was more upset at this asshole for treating Bobby like that, or at Bobby for not growing a pair and standing up to the guy.
- His spending habits are atrocious. He’s currently over $1400 in debt thanks to car modifications. He paid $700 for a new exhaust system that doesn’t even improve performance, just changes the sound of the car! When he’s bored he shops on Amazon, buying dumb shit just because it’s on sale.
- He’s obsessed with being rich. Status and money are all he talks about. He complained to me that he could never buy car that wasn’t “fully loaded” – meaning dumb-ass features like built in GPS and heated seats. He can look at someone’s outfit and tell you how much they spent on it.
- He refuses to work. He has all these big dreams, yet refuses to work hard toward anything. He dropped out of Chemical Engineering cause he couldn’t pass the classes.
Andrew:
- The good… We have a history. We love each other, respect each other, understand each other – in his words, “we get each other”.
- We have very similar values. We have the same ideas about money spending, where we want to live, how we want our family to be, what we want out of life, and what we care about.
- He’s a sexy motorcycle-driving-firefighting frat boy (who’s not actually in a frat).
- He’s super smart, driven, and motivated. He knows what he wants and is determined to get it.
- He opens my car door for me. Always.
- He texts me adorable things. Like the other night texted me at 2am “I’d like to take this late night moment to say I love ya. That is all”.
- The bad… he’s a “safe bet”. Sometimes I worry that I may be setting. Because of our history, going for him isn’t a risk. This may be a positive, or it may be a negative, I can’t decide.
- It’s funny, I’m sitting here trying to think of more bad things.
- He isn’t very good at expressing his thoughts and emotions. I have to ask him to tell me things, and even then he doesn’t say much. He isn’t the type of guy to sit and stare at me and rant about how amazing I am or how much he loves me.
- He’s content. He’s not a risk taker. I’m afraid he’s going to want to settle down in Maryland, never travel, and then grow old and boring. Idk if this is naive… but one thing I really liked about Bobby was that he had big plans to travel the world, get rich and famous, buy a yacht – it all sounded so exciting.
- Hooking up with Andrew is okay. Yeah, that’s a con. Compared to nights with Bobby (where I could stay up literally all night), nights with Andrew seem to end earlier and duller. If we’re in bed past 1am I have to fight to not fall asleep. I don’t think I’ve ever orgasmed with Andrew. With Bobby it would happen like 6 times in a single night.
So there’s the list. Of course there are a lot of other facets to this whole situation. The important thing though is that I chose Andrew. I eventually told Bobby that I was getting back together with my ex. He was hurt. I do still miss Bobby, and seeing him sad makes me so sad. But in the end I went with my heart, and all I can do from here is go with it.
cadythinks 